


Fears, lies, and cries.

by FireWinged



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Anorexia, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Group Therapy, M/M, Mentions of Abusive Relationships, Recovery, Therapy, Trolls on Earth, and karkat was in an abusive relationship, meaning canon bro, mentions of abusive caretaker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-05-21 14:24:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 40,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6054859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireWinged/pseuds/FireWinged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider wants to prove he's fine. There's nothing wrong with him. So he goes to a group therapy recommended by his friend Rose, where he meets his new bug in a jar. </p><p>Karkat Vantas is convinced by his friend Kanaya to seek out help, but the more sessions he goes to the shittier he feels. That is, until he meets someone different.</p><p>[This fic might undergo some re-editing and maybe even some additions soon, thank you to everyone who has already read!]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dave's New Project.

> _“Life for you has been less than kind. So take your number, stand in line. We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt. But how we survive is what makes us who we are.”_

Dave Strider was not supposed to be there. He was too cool to be there with all those crazies. He was not crazy. No, not at all. It wasn’t his fault his brother turned out to be a nutjob asshole that believed he was being controlled by a puppet. He couldn’t believe he had let himself be dragged to a fucking therapy group by his psychobabble obsessed friend. He was perfectly fine and he didn’t need help from any of these douches. All he needed to do was prove that.

It was his first session and he was already so done with listening to people cry and whine about their lives. There was no way he would ever do that. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He was a _Strider_ for fucks sake. That shit _means_ something.

 _That’s your brother talking._ He could practically hear Rose’s voice in his head. _Shut up._ He said to it. Fuck that.

He realized after a few more minutes that he’d been spacing out, and everyone was looking at him.

“David? Is there something you’d like to share with us?” Said the troll Dave assumed led the therapy.

“It’s Dave. And I’ve got some raptastic beats up my sleeve I wouldn’t mind sharing.” He didn’t look at her, avoiding everyone’s gaze and looking at their shoes. He can feel her staring at him. She’s probably smiling, all fangs and condescension.

“C’mon now, we are all here for a reason. This is a safe pl-”

“NO FUCK THAT I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE.” A very loud, very annoyed voice interrupts her from somewhere outside. Next follows the sound of a car door slamming, angry stomping. Everyone’s silent as a short, slim troll opens the door and plops himself down on one of the shitty plastic chairs that look like they belong at an oversized preschool. His body is folded awkwardly on the chair, his posture horrible as he crosses his arms over his chest.

“Nice of you to join us today, Karkat.” The troll with the white glasses and blue lipstick said.

“Yeah you should all be very fucking thankful to be in my presence.” He spat back.

 _Man, this dude really needs to take a chill pill._ Dave thought as he turned to see the new addition to the group, openly staring at him knowing no one could tell. The angry looking troll, Karkat, wore a black sweater a couple of sizes too big with a grey symbol on it. He was biting his lower lip with those pointy teeth trolls have, but his were much more blunt. His horns were also much, much smaller than any he’d ever seen before. He looked like he hadn't slept in a while, with purple rings under his eyes. His hair was a deep, rich black that curled around his horns. Dave could bet if he put a penny in those thick curls it would disappear for a week.

“So, Aranea, what kind of bullshit are you spitting towards us today?” Karkat said.

So her name was Aranea. Good to know. Dave hoped he wouldn’t have to remember that information. He didn’t need to know her name if he was never going to see her again and he sure as hell did not want to go back there again. He was fine, he didn't need any help. He was just there to prove that.

Aranea sighed and pressed her glasses closer to her face. “Okay. We were just greeting our new addition to the group, David Strider. Sorry, Dave.” She motioned towards him, and he suddenly felt awkward. Watched. The feeling was stronger than before. He gulped back the itch to get ready to fight, be prepared for an attack from his messed up bro. It would never come, he knew that. He had to remember that. But their stares felt like all the cameras in his apartment. He was being watched. He was going to have to fight. He was going to be dragged to the rooftop. No. He wasn't. He was okay now. He was coming to teach him he was never safe. STOP.

“Dave is everything alright?” She said.

“Everything is fucking dandy.” He was sure she couldn't read his stoic expression, but the way he was clenching his seat to keep his hands from shaking. He wasn't nervous. He wasn't weak. He was just ready. No. This wasn't happening. Not here, not in public.

“I need to piss.”

Dave stood up and walked out of the room, aimlessly looking for a bathroom as the room began to feel more foreign each time. He kept a steady breath and found a door with a blue sign with a white man standing motionless. He went inside and splashed some cold water on his face, once, twice.

What the _fuck_ had happened. He was there to get better not worse. No. He was there to prove he didn't need any help, he was fine. He wasn't traumatized that was fucking ridiculous. Some people go through tougher shit, he just wasn't strong enough.

...that was exactly what his bro told him every day.

DAMN IT. He slammed his fist into the cold porcelain, gulping back the strange feelings overtaking his body. Was it his body? Wasn't he just controlling someone else’s? Dave was gripping the sink, to make sure the floor was real and would stay under his feet. He was real. It was real. He was real.

He wasn't panicking, not really. He was just standing, breathing slowly. He didn't want to move or speak until he woke up. It wasn't terrifying, it was just disturbing. And looking at himself was not helping. He had to get back before they sent someone to get him anyways.

He walked back to the room slowly, guided by his feet that moved out of their own accord. He entered the room to see pairs of people talking and crying, the angry Karkat troll sat down in a chair looking embarrassed and uncomfortable. He walked up to him and sat down in the empty chair next to him. Karkat gave him an acknowledging nod.

“We are supposed to tell each other why we are here or some shit.” He informed him.

Dave nodded as he looked at the freckles on the obviously fake dream troll. He had to wake up. Neither of them spoke as they watched the people around them interact. Dave tried to convince himself that he was awake.

After twenty minutes, everyone begun to leave, including Karkat and the therapy leader. Dave looked at the table where there were two donuts left. He took both, eight packs of sugar and a large cup of coffee before he left.

Yeah. Maybe he'd have to come back.

___

He could hear Rose as she walked up behind him. She wasn’t a stealthy person, the clicking of her shoes on the pavement gave her up far before her shadow did. As he passed a red car, Dave looked at the reflection and proved his theory.

“Why are you following me? Or are you just looking for some quality ass? I have more than enough to show.” Dave said through a mouthful of donut, and the smallest of smirks.

“How did it go?” He could tell she was smiling by the sound of her voice. She was happy about something. He stopped for a second, so Rose would walk beside him.

“As shitty as expected.” He shrugged, swallowing the large bite. “Why are you so happy?” Dave looked at her sideways as they kept walking to his apartment.

“I got a date with the cute troll girl from the park.” Her voice was a mixture of boastful and coy, she was probably the only person in the world who could manage that.

“The one with the weird hair?”

“Her hair is not weird, but, yes. Her exactly. I’ll be meeting up with her tomorrow at five for a coffee date. She also gave me her number and name.” She gave him one of her biggest most honest smiles.

“That’s awesome, Lalonde.” He smiled softly in return.

“But what about you? When will you get the attention of a lovely lady?” Rose teased him.

“Bitches be all over me all the time.”

“Oh, dear. You know I absolutely abhor when you call girls ‘bitches’. Dave, you’re not thirteen.”

He snorted, pulling out his keys and opening the front door of his building. He motioned for her to pass. “Ladies first,” He said, stopping her before she went in and going in himself.

She chuckled. “I thought you said ladies not presumptuous children with intense oral fixations.”

“Oh don’t start that again.” He knew she could tell he wanted to laugh but wouldn’t.

Yeah. This was his closest friend, the one who knew him most. He had other close friends, but no one knew or understood him nearly as well as Rose Lalonde did. He really couldn’t ask for anyone better.

___

A few hours after Rose had left his apartment, he laid in bed alone. He was trying to decide if he would go back or not. His biggest instinct told him _Fuck No_ but he knew now where that instinct came from. He didn’t trust it anymore. He didn’t know if it was his brother’s thoughts in his head again, or if it was something else entirely.

He needed to understand. He didn’t need help, not really. He was strong enough to deal with his shit himself. He didn’t need anyone telling him shit he already knew… but it would be nice to talk to someone who understood. To someone who wouldn’t look at him with pity when he brought up bro, the way John and Jade would. Someone who wouldn’t judge his fucked up train of thought. Someone who wouldn't question his odd ticks, derived from a childhood he had to scrutinize and try to figure out what was normal and what wasn't. What he could bring up with other people and what would get them looking at each other with that look they got. He hated that look. The one that said 'poor thing' and 'what the fuck is wrong with him?' at the same time. Someone who would understand. Maybe someone even more fucked up than he was.

He remembered at that time the angry troll that had stormed inside right in the middle of the session. The way he sat spoke of fear of being seen, the way he shrunk into himself and hid in his over sized sweater. The way he spoke was pure anger, but Dave couldn’t decide who the anger was directed at, or if the anger was real at all or trying to hide something deeper in his voice. It was raspy and loud, a little obnoxious as well.

As he laid alone in the dark, Dave couldn’t help but remember the jars of things he used to keep and study. Maybe this could be his new project, to keep his mind busy. Maybe he could start studying someone new, someone he knew nothing about. Hopefully, this troll was more damaged goods than he was.

Then they might get along just fine. This would be a fun project, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my very first fanfic, I hope you like it! Thank you for reading!


	2. Pink tears and dark rooms.

> [“I will fear the night again. I hope I'm not my only friend.”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCeBNwBUkcI)

A week later, Dave woke up to a loud sound. Terror rose in his chest and burst like bubbles as he stood at the side of his bed. He held his shitty sword tightly, ready. He wouldn't be caught off guard by anyone or anything. Not anymore, never again. He wasn't a weak child, no. He was prepared for what would come. _ For what he deserved.  _ No. He didn't deserve it. It wasn't his fault and he wouldn't let himself believe that it was, not again. He was free now. Free from the puppet master and his bro. Free from that shitty apartment and the rooftop where he'd learned what type of bruises hurt most and how they were caused. 

_ But you are not free, not really. You are still terrified, aren't you? And that's the only thing you ever feel. Fear, terror, panic. It's like he is still pulling the strings you let him tie to your bones and you still won't let yourself feel  _ **_real_ ** _. _

His hands were cold from the way he gripped the sword and the adrenaline rushed through his veins. He stood motionless, waiting, for fifteen minutes. When guilt and shame begun mixing in the pit of his stomach he realized he'd just overreacted.

He ignored the voice in his head entirely. He'd had a long night at work, the club had been about to burst with the amount of people he drew in. That was probably it. He had been so tired that he couldn't control himself. At least, that's what he told himself to control his impulses and let go of some of the embarrassment that had heated up his face and ears.

He laid back down on top of the sheets this time. His body was bare except for his black boxer briefs. He could barely breathe because of the suffocating heat of the summer night. He looked down at himself, analyzing the muscles that etched his body. The paler lines, old scars from long forgotten fights with bro, the deeper ones from fights he would never be able to forget.

Why had it taken so long for him to realize it? That his brother was messed up. That it wasn't normal for a kid to be constantly terrified. That thirteen-year-olds don't hoard food in their closet out of fear of starving. That fourteen-year-olds don't live on the lookout for a puppet that meant a war on his body and his mind. The funniest part was that in the attempt to crush his weaknesses, more were created. Yet, he did not laugh.

He squeezed the bridge of his nose, as he let the memories flood back in. He held his eyes shut tightly. He… he wanted to cry. But he knew he wouldn't. He knew his body wouldn't let him. His body wouldn't let him show any sign of weakness, it was embedded in his bones now. He couldn't do it. So he laid on his bed, thinking about how it felt to be handcuffed to a radiator and expected to find a way out before you starve. Pathetic. 

He let himself remember, but his body wouldn't let him feel.

He was more screwed up than he wanted to admit, wasn't he?

____

He sat on the shitty plastic chair next to Karkat, and they were both silent. Some girl was going on about some shitty relationship she’d had, which Dave was tuning out completely. But he was looking at the troll. He was really easy to read, since his expressions were not shielded at all. He probably didn’t care if someone could read him, or maybe thought no one would care enough to try. It was fun to watch him as he listened to the story of the girl, his sympathy plain in his face. He didn’t want to be there, but he wasn’t cold towards the others as Dave was. He wondered if Karkat had ever spilled his guts out to these strangers. What could he have said?

He got his answer when Aranea talked again, once the other girl was done with what had seemed like an eternal fuckup monologue.

“Now Karkat, I see what Jennine shared has touched something deep within you. Care to share your own experiences? You won’t start healing until you open up as well…” For some reason Dave found her voice incredibly irritating. She sounded  _ exactly _ like a psychologist. Not only that, but like shitty school therapists Dave would be sent to on rare occasions, that he would obviously lie his ass off to.

Karkat was silent. He didn't say a word. It seemed out of character for him, the few hours Dave had spent in a room with him Karkat always seemed to have a lot of to share; words poured out of that kid like fucking fountain. But now he kept his head bowed, sitting on his hands. He opened his mouth, and closed it again. Dave leaned down to be able to see his face and saw his eyes, he looked like he was about to cry. His tears were pooled at the bottom of his eyes, an odd pink liquid that threatened to fall over on his cheeks.

“I think we should pair up again.” Dave blurted. It was obvious the troll did not want to be seen crying, and maybe he could take him out of the room.

“Yes I suppose it is about time. Come on everyone find a pair and talk. About what's on your minds and how you plan to get better, perhaps.” She looked at the others. “Or simply about why you're here and what is worrying you.” She looked directly at Dave. He didn't like her eyes. They tried too hard to look through his shades. He was glad he had their protection, otherwise she'd be trying to stare straight into his soul. 

As everyone began to gather in pairs, Dave slowly moved closer to the shaking troll. “Let's go outside.” He said, with a steady voice. Karkat nodded, sniffling and covering his face with his hands. “C’mon let's go.” Dave stood up and begun walking out of the room, Karkat followed him.

They sat on the floor in the hallway together in complete silence as Dave waited for Karkat's whimpers and sniffles to stop. Dave looked at him, something inside of him aching with the need to help him. To comfort him. Somehow. What did a normal person do when someone was crying? He'd seen this on TV, right? Before he could torture himself trying to find a way to be useful and help the whimpering troll, Karkat looked up. 

“I'm sorry.” He said, wiping his eyes again. “Why-” He paused, probably gulping back the knot in his throat. “Why did you help me?”

Dave looked at him, at the pink tears that still rimmed his eyes and the way his hands shook.

He hesitated. “Honestly, I don't know. Maybe… because you're not here to look for pity like the rest of them I-” The doors opened, interrupting them as everyone began spilling out. How long had they sat there in silence? “wait here.” Dave said, standing up and walking back into the room.

He came to where Karkat sat a few minutes later, a napkin from the snack table in his hand with his chumhandle scribbled on it. He gave it to Karkat, who blew his nose with it. Dave chuckled. “I should've foreseen that.” He stood back up and left the sniffling troll again, came back with a handful of napkins and placed them on his lap. “You probably have to go already, since last time you were the first to bolt. So here.” He scribbled something with a red pen on a napkin. “This is my chumhandle. Feel free to talk to me if you need someone to listen, or… if you're bored or whatever.” He shrugged and pushed his shades closer to his face, feeling his heart beat faster in his chest when Karkat pulled his phone out of his pocket. Was he going to add him right there?

Karkat took his phone to his ear and stood up. “Hey Kankri. Yeah. I’ll be right there. I know. Sorry.” He turned to look at Dave still sitting on the floor. “My brother has been waiting outside for a while, I should go. Bye..."

“It’s Dave.” He said, once he’d realized the troll didn’t know his name.

“Da-Dave.” He stammered and nodded. “Thank you.” He walked to the door, glancing back once. Leaving Dave still sitting on the floor. Wondering.

Why? Why did Dave want to speak to this troll so badly? Out of all the people from the session, why did he want to help him? He felt stupid then. For trying to comfort someone who he barely knew, for wanting to get to know him at all. He wasn’t very good at making friends. He could barely keep a good relationship with the friends he had already. He couldn’t keep lying to everyone about everything. Maybe that was it. Maybe he really did want someone to be able to come clean to without being afraid of what they thought. And maybe Karkat needed a friend as well. He seemed like quite a lonely person after all. If he wasn’t, why would he be there?

Dave sighed and threw his head back, thinking about the way the troll boy walked. The shape of his lips. The way his pink tears clung to his long, dark lashes before they dropped onto his black shirt. His thin legs clad with grey material. The gigantic sweater that wasn’t anywhere near acceptable because of the season, but he doubted the troll cared much about fashion trends.

Karkat the troll boy was still an enigma, and so was the reason Dave needed to speak to him so badly.

____

He stood above everyone else and watched them dance, the mix he'd prepared earlier a hit. He was still in his booth, since he was supposed to be mixing the music while he was there. He used the time he was there to people (or troll) watch and think. It was one of his favorite things to do.

Seeing trolls interact was usually much more fun than watching humans. They both had their fun quirks, most of which Dave didn't understand, but trolls were much weirder when it came to how they acted at places like Amber, where he worked at. 

Dancing was a lot more graceful and erotic when it came to trolls. He couldn't see much because of his dark shades and the dark room, but he'd grown used to it, so it wasn't as hard as most people would find it. 

He begun watching a couple of trolls dance, pressed up against each other. They were so close together, one was kissing the other’s neck. He wondered with some morbid curiousity what it must feel like, to be so close to someone. To be held by someone the way they were holding each other. What it felt like to be  _ loved  _ and to  _ love _ . To trust someone so entirely that you’d be willing to sleep next to them. 

But Dave knew that he wasn’t made for love. He was made to survive. He was raised to survive in a world full of people that tried to crush you. People that were supposed to help you up. 

Dave let out a rare ironic smile. 

____

Three days later Dave sat at the edge of his bed, covered in a thin layer of sweat and his hair stuck to his forehead. He stared at the wall, taking slow breaths. In, out. In, out. He was okay. Everything was okay. In, out. He let himself fall back on his bed and reached for his phone. Maybe some music would calm him down. Before he could open the music player, he found his pesterchum app had been open and receiving messages. He checked it.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG} at 1:21--

CG: HEY.

CG: IT’S KARKAT. FROM GROUP THERAPY.

CG: YOU REMEMBER ME RIGHT?

CG: SORRY TO BE TROLLING YOU BUT I GUESS I WANTED TO TAKE YOU UP ON THAT OFFER IF YOU REALLY MEANT IT.

CG: OH SHIT FUCK IT’S REALLY FUCKING LATE YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT EVEN AWAKE.

CG: OR MAYBE THIS ISN’T EVEN A REAL CHUMHANDLE

CG: I MEAN WHY WOULD A COMPLETE STRANGER

CG: THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID AND PATHETIC

CG: WHY DID I EVER 

CG: DECIDE THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA

\--turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum!--

CG: FUCKING DAMN IT

CG: I FUCKING KNEW IT

CG: FUCKING SHITSTAIN IDIOT 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 2:44--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who commented on the first chapter! Knowing people actually liked it is a good way to keep myself motivated to write. We all know it can be difficult sometimes.
> 
> If there are any words that don't fit, (meaning they have a different meaning than what I thought they did) please point it out (if you want to and have the time) and I'll correct it as soon as possible. English isn't my first language so sometimes when it comes to idioms and stuff like that it gets kind of weird. 
> 
> ONE LAST THING. Karkat and Dave and almost everyone else in homestuck use a lot of 'gog damn it' and stuff like that but I just can't write that because no. sorry.


	3. Don't lie to me Karkitty

> [ _"Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWBp-nlGX1o)  
>  [ _Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWBp-nlGX1o)  
>  [ _Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin"_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWBp-nlGX1o)

Karkat Vantas sat with his knees pulled to his chest, his head resting above them. His knees were tear stained, and his heart was beating quickly in his throat. He had been sobbing like a child for a couple of minutes after making a fool of himself. That’s the only thing that ever happened when he tried to reach out, wasn’t it? He just ended up more and more alone each time. None one cared. Why would they? Why would anyone really want to help him? He was so. Fucking. Pathetic.

He screamed into his knees in frustration, anger boiling through him. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t take it anymore. He was just so fucking tired of himself, so fucking drained from existing. He was alone. He was completely alone and it was his fault. It was because of him that the only people that loved him ended up leaving him heartbroken. He deserved it, which was the worst part. He deserved every single stab of pain and loneliness he'd ever gotten, because it was his own damn fucking fault. He was sure of it. He could feel the anger clench like a fist in his body, in his stomach, in his head. He couldn't see past the darkness of his room and couldn't breathe past the tension in his lungs. 

He was in trying to lay down and breathe, to calm himself down, when he heard his phone dinging somewhere in his sheets. He ignored it at first, but then it dinged again, and again. When he started to get so pissed off at his phone he looked for it through his sheets in the dark, with the intention of throwing it inside a blender as soon as he found it, of course.

He found his phone and checked it, pesterchum was blinking with new messages from… oh shit.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  at 3:02--  
TG: hey  
TG: sorry i was asleep  
TG: obviously i mean what kind of normal person is awake at 2 am   
TG: haha jk ihnfc whats normal and what isnt  
TG: karkat whats wrong?  
TG: answer me   
TG: karkat should i be worried?   
CG: NO. I'M FINE NOW. IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP.   
TG: man fine is never fine we both know that is like the most common and shittiest lie in the history of human existence  
TG: fine is like the epitome of shitty lies  
TG: its like   
TG: if all the lies in the history of human and troll existence went to a prom im fine would be the undisputed prom queen where everyone would be like yea yea fine deserves it but fine is so fucking overrated they all say it deserves to win but they all secretly wish it hadnt because they see fine everywhere and are so tired of fine and fines shit   
TG: so yeah dont lie to me dude  
CG: WHAT KIND THINK PAN MELTING SHIT ARE YOU SPEWING.  
CG: DID YOUR MOUTH GET REPLACED WITH AN ASSHOLE?   
CG: WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT WAS THAT WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK.  
TG: man just tell me what happened  
TG: and dont say nothing because we both know thatd be another shitty lie that no one here believes  
TG: its so shitty its probably the only lie that could stand taking im fine to prom cause no one else would go with it   
CG: WELL IF YOU REALLY FUCKING WANT TO KNOW AND IT’LL STOP YOUR SENSELESS WORD VOMIT, I’LL TELL YOU.  
CG: I’VE JUST HAD A REALLY FUCKING BAD DAY, OKAY, SHITSTAIN?  
CG: AND I COULDN’T TALK TO ANY OF MY OTHER FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY’RE ALREADY FED UP WITH MY SELF-LOATHING BULLSHIT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING LAST TIME I TALKED TO THEM.   
CG: ALSO I DON’T TRUST THEM AND   
CG: OBVIOUSLY THEY DON’T REALLY FUCKING WANT TO TALK TO ME.  
CG: I MEAN WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD?  
TG: what did you want to talk about?  
CG: NOTHING IN PARTICULAR.  
TG: you lost me man   
TG: i thought you really wanted to talk with someone  
CG: YES.  
TG: okay  
TG: then now we know for sure nothing won prom king and nothing and fine probably got drunk then ran away to get hitched together and had shitty lie babies   
TG: why did you want to talk with someone  
CG: YOU'RE FUCKING INSANE.   
TG: i will neither confirm nor deny that   
TG: so  
TG: why did you  
TG: want to talk  
CG: IF THAT WILL MAKE YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
CG: WELL  
CG: BECAUSE I AM VERY FUCKING LONELY, YOU PETULANT ASSHOLE.  
CG: IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?  
TG: no i didnt want to hear anything in particular   
TG: just the truth and what was eating you up  
TG: so youre lonely  
TG: do you want some company? 

Karkat put his phone down, utterly confused and slightly enraged. It was now three thirty in the morning and a dude he’d just met was offering some company. He felt guilty for waking him up just because he wasn't strong enough to deal with his own shit alone and in silence. What was he even thinking? Crawling to a complete stranger for help when he felt so shitty. He should just stop talking to him and never go to the session again, just to avoid the embarrassment he’d put himself through so far and the one he could put himself in in the future. He picked his phone back up. He just had to be a pain in the ass, like he usually was, and the asshole would give up on him, just as everyone else did. 

TG: well you answering that question doesnt really matter because now i cant sleep and i blame you  
TG: now you have to make it up to me for messing with my vital beauty sleep   
TG: this skin doesnt stay as flawless as it does just like that you know   
TG: a man needs his 13 hours of sleep a day  
CG: YEAH. I’M SORRY I WOKE YOU UP IT WAS REALLY FUCKING IDIOTIC AND SELFISH. GO BACK TO SLEEP.   
TG: hell no man   
TG: i told you now its your duty to make it up to me because you woke me up  
TG: own up to the consequences   
CG: IT’S THREE IN THE MORNING YOU SHOULD GO TO SLEEP.   
CG: YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHO I AM AND ARE JUST GOING ALONG WITH THIS TO MAKE FUN OF ME.  
CG: I MEAN I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER YOUR NAME.   
TG: karkat  
TG: karkles thats harsh i remember your name   
TG: of course i know who you are you are the shouty troll from the group sessions that has a thing for shouting   
TG: makes sense that you type in shouts too  
CG: FUCK YOU.   
TG: oh so you are that kind of lonely  
TG: sure why not  
CG: WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK. NO. WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK YOU BULGEMUNCHING IDIOT. I TOLD YOU I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER YOUR NAME AND YOU THINK THIS IS A HUMAN BOOTY CALL?  
TG: wow you give a man hopes and then crush them  
TG: i didnt know you were so cruel karkitty  
CG: STOP WITH THE FUCKING NICKNAMES.   
TG: dave  
CG: WHAT.  
TG: my name is dave strider  
TG: just fyi   
CG: OH. YEAH.   
CG: I REMEMBER NOW. YOU HAVE A REALLY NICE NAME.  
TG: so is it bootycall time now?  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK STRIDER. SHUT YOUR IMMATURE WRIGGLER TRAP.   
But he found himself smiling at his phone. He couldn’t really stop himself, even if he wanted to. He really fucking wanted to.  
TG: you wanted a piece of strider ass i can feel it  
CG: SHUT UP. I DIDN’T WANT A PIECE OF STRIDER ASS.   
TG: oh but you do now?   
CG: MY FUCKING THINK PAN HURTS WHEN I TALK TO YOU. JUST SHUT UP.  
TG: but hey you gotta admit i made you smile  
He knew. The asshole.  
CG: SO WHAT, ASSWIPE?  
TG: so nothing  
TG: so karkles   
TG: can i ask you a very personal and invading question?   
CG: I GUESS SO. JUST BECAUSE YOU MADE ME SMILE AND THAT IS A FUCKING MIRACLE.   
TG: why were you crying last session?   
CG: OH. THAT.   
CG: WELL I GUESS I SHOULD’VE SEEN THAT COMING.  
CG: I DID WEEP LIKE A FUCKING DAY OLD WRIGGLER CRAWLING OUT OF A PILE OF SLIME.   
CG: FUCKING DISGUSTINGLY PATHETIC.  
CG: WHAT THAT BLONDE CHICK SAID  
CG: WELL IT HIT ME REALLY FUCKNIG CLOSE TO HOME.  
TG: what did the blonde girl say?  
CG: SHE GIVING EXAMPLES ABOUT SHIT HER BEST FRIEND USED TO SAY TO HER.   
TG: like what  
CG: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW I DON’T REMEMBER WORD FOR WORD.   
TG: what do you remember  
TG: what stuck with you man   
TG: what had those tears falling like a rainstorm of pink lemonade  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: what do you remember about what she said  
CG: JUST THAT HER FRIEND WAS AN ASSHOLE THAT SAID HORRIBLE THINGS TO HER. SHE WOULD CALL HER UGLY AND PICK AT HER PHYSICAL APPEARANCE AND SHIT.   
CG: AND MAKE FUN OF HER FOR BEING STUPID.  
TG: who picked at your physical appearance then  
CG: WHAT WE WEREN’T TALKING ABOUT ME WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE GIRL AT GROUP THERAPY.  
TG: yes but we were talking about you first  
CG: IT’S TOO FUCKING LATE FOR THIS.  
CG: FINE. MY EX.  
TG: man why are exes always such assholes  
CG: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW HE JUST WAS.  
TG: how big of an asshole was he  
CG: A GIGANTIC ONE. HE WOULD SAY REALLY ANNOYING SHIT AND FUCKING STEAL FROM ME.   
CG: WHAT KIND OF INSANE PERSON STEALS FROM THEIR BOYFRIEND?  
CG: HE WAS SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS. CONSTANTLY GOING BATSHIT CRAZY AND AGGRESSIVE.   
TG: Then why did you stay with him  
CG: BECAUSE  
CG: FUCK I HAVE NO IDEA.  
CG: I JUST COULDN’T LEAVE HIM HE NEEDED ME. AND I NEEDED HIM.   
TG: who dumped who then?   
CG: WELL  
CG: ONE DAY I ARRIVED AT THE APARTMENT AND HIS SHIT WAS GONE. LIKE, EVERYTHING. ALONG WITH ALL MY MONEY.   
CG: HE LEFT A NOTE THAT LITERALLY SAID ‘THANKS, bye. DON'T WAIT FOR ME.’   
CG: THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE LAST I HEARD FROM HIM. THAT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO.   
CG: I MEAN I SHOULD PROBABLY BE GLAD TO HAVE GOTTEN RID OF HIM.   
CG: HE WAS A REALLY TOXIC PERSON I SEE THAT NOW.   
CG: BUT HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND AND I REALLY DO LOVE HIM.  
CG: DID  
CG: I MEANT DID.   
TG: it doesnt sound like you are glad he left  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: I JUST MISS HIM.   
CG: SO WHO WAS IT FOR YOU?  
TG: who was what  
CG: THE REASON YOU ARE AT GROUP THERAPY.  
TG: oh yeah that  
TG: i dont really need to go though im just trying to prove that to my friend rose  
CG: AN EX?  
TG: fuck no  
TG: my bro  
CG: YOUR BRO?   
TG: yeah he raised me in what was apparently a really fucked up way but im fine  
TG: i know im probably pretty fucked up but i dont need any help from a pity group  
CG: ‘IM FINE’. LIAR.  
TG: hey dont use my own arguments against me thats low  
TG: you are pretty short though  
CG: ASSHOLE.  
CG: FUCK IT’S ALREADY FIVE. WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO SLEEP. I HAVE WORK TOMORROW.   
TG: haha i dont i had work last night  
TG: good luck bro   
CG: LAST NIGHT? ARE YOU A HUMAN HOOKER OR SOMETHING? IS THAT WHY YOU ARE SO SEX OBSESSED?   
TG: god im laughing   
TG: no im a dj   
CG: WOW. THAT’S EVEN LAMER.   
TG: how is that lamer  
CG: IT JUST IS. I’M GOING TO TRY AND SLEEP NOW.   
CG: AND   
CG: THANK YOU. FOR LISTENING AND SHIT.  
CG: AND BEING HERE.   
TG: dont worry karkitty  
CG: I SAID STOP WITH THE FUCKING NICKNAMES.   
TG: karbabe  
TG: kitkat  
TG: your name is gold how can i not give you nicknames  
CG: JUST FUCKING STOP   
TG: i cant   
TG: it is literally physically impossible your name is too cute not to use for nicknames   
TG: karkar  
TG: hey karkles  
CG: WHAT.   
TG: go to sleep already  
CG: YES. GOODNIGHT.   
TG: goodnight. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG]  ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 5:24--  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >I had a lot of problems with the pesterlog format and UGH. I spent over an hour (much longer than an hour) trying to get it the way i wanted it to be.  
> >I swear I will try to write longer chapters but it's really freaking hard for me.  
> >Dave is really fun to write and kinda easier for me but I sort of want to challenge myself so I will be switching POV's every so often.  
> >Thank you so much for reading this I hope you enjoyed it!


	4. Thoughts and anger.

[“He thinks that faith might be dead  
Nothing kills a man faster than his own head.”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnZlYZBRDuI)

Karkat Vantas was woken by his alarm at seven in the morning. He’d slept two hours. He was exhausted. He knew the bags under his eyes were gigantic now. All he wanted to do was go back to sleep, but he dragged himself out of bed anyways. He rubbed his eyes as he walked out to the hall and into his bathroom. He closed the door behind himself and headed straight for the shower. He undressed quickly, the soft material he’d slept in sticky with sweat. He would probably have to wash that. 

He got in the shower, massaging his temples he thought about what had happened the night before. What he had done. How he had crawled to a stranger for help, and how that stranger... had actually helped him. Dave didn’t complain about how petty Karkat’s problems were. He didn’t tell him to suck it up, or just move on. He didn’t say the exact same things many of his other friends had said to him. 

He knew he was a pain in the ass. He knew nobody liked him, and he pushed away the people who did. That was just what he was like. It wasn’t something he could or would change. Some things never do.  
It was his fault he was alone, he couldn’t deny that. His fault the only person he could whine to was someone he’d just met a week or so ago. The only person who would still listen. 

He sighed and let his head drop in frustration, feeling the scalding water run down his back. He was so tired.

He really needed sleep. Why had he stayed up so late?

Oh yeah. Dave Strider. Why did he want to help him? Why was he so interested in someone like Karkat? Maybe it was all just a gigantic prank. It was all too make fun of him, a big joke. It is the only reason someone would want to speak to him. He was such an idiot. Why had he ever opened his damned mouth? He should just learn to shut up, SOON. Or at least talk enough to drown out the stupidest shit he said. It was probably just a gigantic prank and Karkat had bared his heart like a sucker. Well, he hadn't bared his heart so much as just told him little details he probably shouldn't have, but Dave did that too. That didn't change the fact that he could not face the idiot again. He was probably just going to stab him in the back like everyone else did anyways. He wouldn't go back to therapy, he decided. He would just quit it. Stop going. Not like he paid for it or anything. 

He rested his forehead against the cold tiles of the shower, a twisting feeling in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to scream. He was such a fucking idiot. It was pathetic wasn’t it? He was so fucking pathetic. His fist met the wall a few times as he attempted to take out his frustration. The boiling rage he could not calm. He had poison inside him and it was corroding him from the inside out.

He chuckled coldly. There really was a poison in him. His disgusting blood. He wanted to tear his skin off, pull his body apart limb by limb. No one would notice if he was gone anyways. At least not until his rotting corpse brought in so many bugs the building supervisor had to check it out.

He closed the water after he’d finished washing his hair, walking out the bathroom and into his room. He went through his clothes, picking out what he would wear while brushing out the ridiculous knots in his mess of hair. When his big baggy sweater hung loosely on his shoulders and his hair was somewhat less messy he went to the kitchen and poured some water into a mug, placed it in the microwave. A minute and a half later he took out a bag of green tea and set it inside the hot water, sat down at the table with his tea.  
When he’d finished his tea he was out the door.  
That was his morning, lost in the bleak routine of life.

____

He poured coffee into a mug, drowning out the customer he was tending to so he didn’t feel the urge to throttle him. He didn’t even know what they were talking about, but they looked like an assholes. He wouldn’t doubt his instincts. He knew he would forget them and that day in a few months anyway. It didn’t really matter, he just went through the days missing his boyfriend and hating himself for doing so and being so pathetic.

His boyfriend had never done anything to earn his respect, love, or trust. But he had. Mainly, because Karkat was a clingy, needy piece of shit. He leeched from any form of kindness or love he was shown. That was one of the many reasons he was alone. He was just... unlovable.

But he would do his best. To change. For him. He wasn’t so bad. He loved him. Someone who was able to love Karkat couldn’t be so bad. Karkat needed him. He needed his arms around his body at night, when nightmares plagued him and when he was afraid. Even if he would just complain and mock Karkat, he would hold him anyways. He was the only person that had ever loved Karkat, and maybe the last person who ever would. He couldn’t let him go. Karkat had to do what he had wanted him to do. He had to get him back.

He felt a burning sensation in the pit of his stomach. He smiled.

____

He woke up that afternoon after having fallen asleep to a romcom he’d seen at least twenty times before. The movie was playing again, it was halfway through his least favorite scene. He groaned and turned off the TV, rubbing his eyes, exhausted. He should change into pajamas and go through his nightly routine before going to sleep.

He crashed onto his bed without even taking his shoes off instead. He hugged the pillow to his chest and inhaled deeply. It didn’t smell like _him_ , not anymore. Not after Karkat had slept with it so much it now smelled like sweat and drool. He threw the pillow at the ground next to the pajamas he’d discarded that morning. He had to remember to wash all that. Later. Sleep now.

____

“Karkat. Are you even listening to me?” Kanaya chided.  
“Of course I am!” he lied.  
“No you’re not.” She knew.  
“Okay, fucking fine, you were probably talking about how AMAZING your girlfriend is or how ROMANTIC your conversations are. Or you were talking about how much I NEED these therapy sessions you’re making me go to. One of those.” He grumbled, stirring his tea.  
“Well, close, but no.” Kanaya smiled patiently. “I was talking about how I’m glad you are going to therapy and I asked you how it was going. Have you finally talked? Have you met someone new?”  
“Of course not and no.” He rested his head on the counter, feeling his eyes droop. It was too damn early for this shit. Why was she even here? He wanted to tell her to fuck the fuck off, but didn’t want to be rude to one of the few people who still cared enough to visit him on occasion.  
“Really?” She seemed surprised. “Honestly, I thought by now you would have made at least one new friend.”  
“Well, you were wrong. Obviously.” He rolled his eyes dramatically.  
There was a moment of awkward silence, and Karkat knew what that meant. He knew she would bring him up and try to convince him to move on. To let go. It’d been months. Before she could even bring it up, he changed topic.  
“Wait I did meet someone new!” He blurted. Was he really going to talk about Strider? Hadn’t he decided already never ever to meet him again?  
“Oh?” She smiled, pleased about something.  
“Yes! His name is Dave Strider and he’s the biggest douche bag tool asshole… but he’s also fun to talk to.” He added the last as an afterthought, remembering he had mentioned him as a new friend.  
“I am so glad Karkat! You are being more social, which is great! Truly, you should be proud of yourself.” She was smiling so widely, pleased with herself for some reason. Karkat was too exhausted to try and understand her reasons, she was a weird troll.  
“It’s probably time for you to go isn’t it? It’s getting SO late and I need to go to therapy. You know how it is.” No, he did not need to, nor want to return to therapy.  
“Well, that’s true. I should get going. Thank you for having me here, Karkat.” They both stood up, and Karkat had to sit back down when everything went dark around him and he got horribly dizzy.  
“It was nice to see you Kanaya! Bye now!” She gave him an odd look before going out the door. He let his head slam onto the counter. Damn, that was close.  
Karkat stood up again, slower this time. He moved to the couch and turned on a movie, pulling the blanket he’d left there around him. He curled into himself as it begun, thinking about what it’d be like if his life was a romcom. Wouldn’t that be amazing? It certainly would be easier. He would go out in search of love, maybe of his ex, and found love had been by his side all along. At least, he could dream.

In his dream, his boyfriend never would’ve left. He would have friends who actually cared about him, instead of Kanaya who just wanted to get into everybody’s business. Sollux, who had long ago gotten sick and tired of his childish attitude. He shoved his head into the couch cushion. In his dream, maybe he could be strong enough and good enough to have a boyfriend that liked him enough to stay. That loved him. He would be good enough that his friends didn’t feel repulsed by him and see the need to leave him. In his dream, he would have to wake up at some point anyways.

___

He didn’t know how he had convinced himself to go. He didn't know why he had done it either. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >> This is a little bit of insights into Karkat's train of thought and what he's been doing to try and get his ex back and how much he messed him up. Which is not in the tags yet because I hadn't decided if I was going to include it or not, and I kind of wanted it to be like an unpleasant surprise but I should probably tag it soon.
> 
> >> I hope you liked this and thank you for reading.


	5. Breakfast and games.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat and Dave play a game to get to know each other better.

> _“You’ve been acting awful tough lately,_   
>  _Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately,_   
>  _But inside you're just a little baby, oh_ _.”[(X)](https://youtu.be/S_oMD6-6q5Y)_

…

Dave stood outside of the building, one foot propped up on the red brick. His eyes were closed, his head was down, his shades perched carelessly on the bridge of his nose. He was leaning that way, to ensure his closed eyes were slightly visible to people passing by, pretending he was dozing off. Instead, he listened to their footsteps, to their movements as they passed. When they did so, at least. Sometimes he’d have to wait a few minutes before he heard new steps. Not a lot of people went to therapy at 9 am on Sunday mornings. He stayed there anyways, waiting and analyzing what he heard. Until he finally, the tapping of small feet of someone short, but with a forceful strength. As though he wanted to beat up the ground he was stepping on, but didn’t quite have the time so he just settled with stepping really hard.

“Hello Karkat.” He twitched his lips into a tiny smirk that lasted less than a quarter of a second. “Beautiful day today, isn’t it?”  
“No. It’s not. What the fuck are you doing douchewad?” Karkat stood in front of him. Dave straightened himself back up and opened his eyes, looking down at the short troll boy. “I was waiting for you.”  
“Waiting for me? Fucking creep. C’mon we are going to be late.” He hissed.  
“No, no, see, that’s just my point. Let’s ditch this, Karkat.” Dave’s hands were shoved deep within his pockets to stop the nervous twitching that obviously wasn’t happening.  
“What? Dave. I’m sorry about- about the other night. That doesn’t mean that you have to feel responsible for me or hang out with me or anything. I mean, thank you for the company I really fucking needed someone to talk to, but that doesn’t mean you have to take care of me and shit.” He shifted his weight from one foot to another, he was probably nervous. Dave knew he would be, but he also knew it wouldn’t show so easily on him.  
“No, I know that. That’s not why I’m here” He had already made his decision. He did not need these assholes. He did not need that condescending bitch. He didn’t need anyone from inside that stupid room with those childish chairs and those… pretty good donuts. He just needed someone to talk to. Someone who would listen and understand. Someone who would call him out on his bullshit if needed. He had made his choice, and nothing would change it. “I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to bounce, this place is lame as hell and we both know Aranea won’t be helping either of us. We don’t need the kind of help she and they can offer. We are not pitiful sacks of shit that only want to sob their problems away.” He hesitated. “So, imma buy you breakfast and we can talk and shit. C’mon.” He began walking down the stairs of the building, as though Karkat had already given him his answer and was quickly following him.  
“Woah, woah, what the hell?! Why the FUCK would you think I would WANT to go eat breakfast with you?” He spat, quickly climbing down the stairs and stepping in front of Dave.  
“Because who the fuck wouldn’t? I’m not waiting forever Karkles, you know you wanna come.” Karkat followed him reluctantly, grumbling about what an asshole Dave was. “Yeah, yeah. Been there, done that. Tell me when you come up with a creative insult, and turn left here.” He said as they got to the end of the street. Dave didn’t slow his pace once second for the shorter troll, so they arrived in a matter of minutes.

“Here we are.” Dave opened the door and let himself into the small diner, keeping the door open for Karkat. He went to sit down at the table in the corner and looked up to see him sit across from him. “Glad you decided to join me, Karkitty.” He said, imitating Aranea’s voice.  
“Is that what she said the first time you were there? Without the fucking stupid nickname, of course, which I’ve asked you to shut the fuck up about.” He hissed the last part.  
“Yes it is but-” They were interrupted by a waitress with a ridiculously wide smile setting the menus down, introducing herself, and leaving soon after. “What do you want?” Dave asked, looking up. He saw then, Karkat’s unmasked expression of terror. How could anyone go around with a map to their feelings in their face, he would never understand. “Dude what’s wrong?”  
“N-NOTHING!” He hesitated. “This is all just way too fucking expensive!” He blurted.  
“Well I’ll pay if it’s such a huge deal, which it’s not. We are at a fucking diner, bro.” Dave rolled his eyes, aware that Karkat wouldn’t be able to see it.  
“Fuck that, I’ll just order something small and pay for it.” He was being way too dramatic about this.  
“Dude, chill out, it’s just breakfast.” He said as the waitress walked over. “I’d like some waffles with a side of bacon, and a nice glass of AJ please.” He gave the waitress his best, cocky flirty smile and lifted his eyebrow.  
“How do you want your eggs?” She said, rolling her eyes.  
“Scrambled, please. And just normal toast.” He nodded.  
“And you, sir?” The girl asked, turning to see the troll that was trying his best, and failing miserably, at keeping himself composed.  
“Just a bowl of watermelon and cold water please,” Karkat said, his voice sounded stiff.  
“Dude, seriously, I’ll pay,” Dave said.  
“No, no, it’s fine. I’m also really not that hungry, I made myself an omelet before leaving my house. ” He shook his head. “That would be all.” He nodded, the waitress gave Karkat a forced smile and walked away. Dave could already begin to read this little anxious mess. He knew the troll was nervous, extremely so, he just didn’t understand why. What could possibly make him so jittery at a place like this? Germophobe? Dave ignored the quickly spinning clockwork inside his brain.  
“So, Karkles, how did you do at work after that fun night?” Dave teased.  
“Shut the fuck up, you’re probably well aware that it went terribly.” Karkat looked down. “You’re a fucking tool.”  
“Oh baby, you hurt me.” Dave’s hand went to his heart and he pouted exaggeratedly. He wondered what he wanted to do with the troll first, piss him off or make him open up.  
“Good,” Karkat said, looking around the room.  
“Karkles, what’s wrong? Are you… looking for him?” He didn’t know how to approach the topic, he wasn’t used to wanting to _listen to people open up about their shit._ Wow. Talk about irony and turn of events. He wasn’t used to wanting to have a heart to heart with people, AT ALL. He usually avoided this shit, but... damn it, what was he doing?  
“OF COURSE NOT YOU ASSHOLE!” Karkat screamed immediately.  
“Woah, woah, calm down McShouty. We don’t need the whole restaurant to hear you, plus, I don’t buy into the whole screamy angry troll charade. You can tone it the fuck down.” Oh, Karkat looked enraged. That might not have been the best course of action.  
“I can’t even fucking BELIEVE you just said that! You pretentious little fucking hypocrite! You know, you act all high and mighty but I can see right through you too! Your cool, stoic veneer isn’t really that believable. You’re just as FUCKED UP as I am, IF NOT MORE! Those fucking stupid shades don’t fool anyone, you’re just a frightened child.” He spat at him, standing up and slamming his open palm on the table every so often. Dave didn’t even have to pretend to not be afraid, or not care, because he was not and he did not. … At least that’s what he told himself. Dave was an expert at the art of lying to yourself. Not that he believed this to be true.  
Karkat was panting in front of him.  
“Now that you’re done with your little tantrum, would you like to have breakfast.” He made a gesture at the waitress standing a few feet away with their plates, stunned. Karkat glared at him and sat back down after a few moments of hesitation, nostrils flaring. Dave had been sure he was going to bolt. Karkat took a long gulp of his water.  
“Thanks, hot stuff,” Dave said. The waitress winked and walked away.  
Karkat groaned. “Are you fucking serious now?”  
“What? Danny? She’s just a friend, I’m a regular.” He waved at the cashier, who waved back.  
“You’re such a fucking tool.” He shook his head, as though defeated. As he shoved watermelon into his mouth.  
“Bro, seriously, get an insult book or something. You are wearing out the world ‘tool’. Try something new, with more flair and some… pizzazz.” Dave couldn’t help but smirk at his own joke, did his best not to chuckle or do something stupid like that.  
Karkat grumbled, but he too was trying to suppress a smile. “How about, you fucking inflamed dickhead.” He suggested.  
“Yes, yes. I like that. ‘Inflamed dickhead’, rolls off the tongue quite nicely. Yet, I think you have more potential. You could do better than that Karkitten, come on. Delve into that brain of yours and pull out the best insults you’ve got. Or you could pull them out of your ass too, which I think is more plausible. You’ve probably got more stray neurons there than in your brain.” He was smirking now, loving Karkat’s annoyed but amused face.  
“Okay, how about… You bumbling piece of horse shit eaten and regurgitated by a fucking cow.” They both laughed. Dave noticed Karkat’s laugh was raspy and deep. It was a good laugh. Something he could get used to hearing.  
“Seriously, though, how did work go?” Dave asked.  
“Well, work is always shitty. I serve coffee to hipster assholes and feel like my think pan is going to melt.” He rolled his eyes.  
“Wait. You work at a coffee shop? Seriously? Do you work at Starbucks? And if hipster assholes go there why haven’t I?” He couldn’t believe this, he acted outraged.  
“Because it’s too fucking cool for you, you asinine shit head. Not really. It’s shit.”

They talked for a long while, but soon the conversation started to die down because neither of them knew what to actually talk about. So, Dave got an idea.  
“Okay. I know how to do this.” He leaned forward.  
“Do what?” Karkat asked.  
“Get to know each other, understand each other a little. Let’s do it with a game.”  
“That’s so fucking childish, but, explain.” Karkat looked up slowly.  
“We say three things, two lies, one truth. The other gets one shot at guessing the truth, and if they can’t, it’s their turn to say the two lies and the truth.” Dave nodded.  
“I guess… that makes sense?” Karkat hesitated, shoving more watermelon into his mouth, finishing his tiny bowl of fruit before Dave had even begun with his waffles, having finished only his eggs.  
“Of course, it does, I’ll start.” Dave let his head fall back, thinking. “Got it.” He straightened back up. “I am an amateur photographer. I have a thing for trolls, meaning I prefer to date trolls over humans, it’s my fetish. I have the worst physical condition ever.” Dave wiggled his eyebrows, waiting for a reply.  
“Please let the third be true, because if it’s the last one I swear I will shove my fork into your eye and leave,” Karkat replied after a moment of silence, chuckling.  
Dave let out a snort. “I exercise every day, I’m in awesome shape. Okay, your turn.”  
“Wait wait wait, then is your kink trolls or something? That’s really fucked up-”  
“No, I do not have a fetish for trolls.” Dave chuckled. “Even though I do appreciate the whole gray skin and teeth and horns are aesthetically pleasing.” He saw a soft red tint spread across Karkat’s cheeks. Was he… blushing?  
“So you’re an amateur photographer?” Karkat stumbled on his words.  
“Yes, I am pretty good and take some mean ironic selfies.”  
“I don’t know if you’re being serious right now but I will pretend you are joking.”  
“Sure man, whatever suits your fancy. Either way, it’s your go.” Dave said through a mouthful of pancakes.  
“Alright. I am a high blood. I love romcoms. I have an elephant stuffed animal on my bed.”  
Dave laughed, grinned and looked at Karkat who was staring very seriously at him. “Oh, the last one. Please tell me you have a stuffed elephant on your bed.”  
Karkat’s cheeks turned red again, and he looked away, scratching at his cheek. “He’s a crab.”  
“A crab? You have a stuffed crab on your bed? Damn it that’s both fucking hilarious and adorable.” He wiped laughing tears from behind his shades without taking them off. “So, which one is true? Wait. Let me guess again. You love rom coms. Yes. You are a nerd that sits in his pj's with a romcom and a stuffed animal.” He couldn’t help but picture it in his head, and was overcome with how adorable and stupidly nerdy and dorky that would be. Karkat’s cheeks were on fucking fire.  
“Shut the fuck up you fucking asshole tool shithead asshole dick.” He said, flustered.  
“You said asshole twice.” Dave pointed out coolly.  
“I will strike you down with a sickle.” Karkat hissed. “It’s your turn.”  
“Fine…” Dave said with the traces of a smile still lingering in his impassive expression.

They spent the next hour and a half playing that game, learning little facts about each other. Nothing too important, or too deep. Time passed quickly when he wasn’t worrying about what the other person was thinking. Karkat was easy to read, and even if he wasn’t, reading him wasn’t necessary. Unless it was his true opinions about himself, Karkat openly voiced almost all his unfiltered thoughts shamelessly. It was something completely new to Dave. It took him a while to understand that Karkat really _meant_ what he was saying. He wasn’t being sarcastic or ironic, he didn’t care about anything like that.

Apparently, Karkat was a hoe for romcoms, unironically. Dave didn’t know that was even _possible_. He didn't know if he thought it was cute or lame as fuck. Probably both. Maybe that was why he worked at a coffee shop. He was waiting for someone he saw every day he could flirt with and fall madly and helplessly in love with. He wished he would, Karkat was the kind of person that did deserve to be loved. To be held like that couple he saw at the club, with their arms wrapped around each other as if their whole world could be transmitted through a single gaze into the other’s eyes. He hoped Karkat, someone broken like him, could find that.

Maybe that meant there was hope for him yet.

Once Dave had finished breakfast and they’d paid, they walked aimlessly through the streets, not wanting to part ways. They enjoyed each others company more than they would admit, even to themselves.

“You’re such a nerd. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry for you, so you’ll get my Strider Bitch Stoic Face ™.” He said, with the same expression he was speaking about.  
“I cannot FUCKING BELIEVE you just said T-M.” Karkat was smiling. He had a really pretty smile. It wasn’t like a human’s smile, it was slightly more dangerous. Those pointy teeth didn’t let Dave forget he was not talking to a human. Well, that and his gray skin and horns and yellow eyes and… yeah. Karkat was far from human in physical appearance. Dave was not sure if he liked or disliked that.  
“And I can’t believe you like romcoms.”  
“Don’t diss the rom coms,” Karkat said. “You can’t until you’ve at least watched one. You have to.”  
“Okay then let’s watch one. When and where?”  
“Tomorrow. My place.”  
“You have a deal. See you then.” With that, Dave walked away and headed towards his place, leaving Karkat there.  
_What. the fuck. had he done?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long to update, I was trying to write a longer chapter but I think it still came out pretty short. I need to get better at this. 
> 
> ...I also may have been questioning my skills as a very amateur writer for the thousandth time, which made me frustrated while trying to write and I just COULDN'T.  
> The song linked above is I am not a robot, which is kind of perfect for Dave. I hope you'll listen to it if you get a chance.   
> Thank you for all the people who have commented on past chapters and gave it a kudos! they really keep me motivated and happy and yes. thank you.   
> Please, any constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated and if you find an error that you think I should change fill free to just say it and i will.   
> AS ALWAYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY/NIGHT/AFTERNOON.


	6. Movies and popcorn?

> "Wouldn't it be nice to have a strong mind, one that can get rid of the fear you feel?" [(X)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCqqluVhxFk) [(X)](http://www.crunchyroll.com/library/Soul_Eater) 

They hadn't really set a time for their movie  plans, and he didn't even know where Karkat _lived_ , so he wasn't surprised that when he checked pesterchum at home a few hours later he had a message from Karkat. It was his address and a time. Six in the afternoon. Dave could roll with that. He was going to watch a movie with his new friend at his place.

Damn it that sounded so dumb and childish. He felt the way he assumed children in TV programs did when their parents arranged a play date with someone they didn’t really know... but really wanted to. Why was his stomach twisting? Karkat was fun to talk to, and he never seemed to judge him for anything he did. Well, he probably judged him for EVERYTHING he did, but he didn’t do it in a serious way. Why is his heart pounding? Was he having another… little freak out? No, they don't feel like this. He should just calm the fuck down and take a nap, what the fuck is wrong with him?  

He laid down on his bed, yawning into his pillow. He wrapped his sheets around himself and curled into himself on while laying on his side. He would will himself to sleep if necessary, if it made his stomach stop turning. Just a half hour nap would make him feel much better. He closed his eyes and tried make himself asleep, confident he would fail. 

He didn't. A few minutes later, he fell into a deep, dreamless, blissful sleep.  It was the first time he was able to rest so well in… well, who knows how long. He was not worried Bro would wake him with a death grip on his throat (pun intended) and throttle him for a valuable lesson.  He was not concerned about being real, or fake, or dreaming while awake.  He was not afraid, and he was not ‘ready’. He wouldn't come to any of these conclusions when he woke up, but a few months later when he looked back on that night. The twisting and turning in his stomach subsided into a warm bubbling feeling in his chest. How had a horrible feeling made him feel so good after? He had no idea. He didn't understand what was happening, but he didn't really want to stop it. He didn’t know how to put a word to the feeling others would describe as calm. He wasn’t quite used to, feeling things. At all. 

Whatever it was, Karkat changed him. Maybe he was _... healing him?_  Maybe the group therapy wouldn't help. but (the asshole douche that never stopped yelling and had a sick unironic obsession for romcoms) Karkat could help him get over it.  He was such an idiot. He had a really nice smile. Wide, shameless and stupid.

____

The music was loud in his ears. He felt the path slam into his feet, the sweat clinging onto his skin, his hair stuck to his forehead. His glasses were trying to slip off the bridge of his nose, but he knew they wouldn’t. His lungs ached, his muscles burned… He was smirking. He loved running. It filled him with energy and left him feeling pleased with himself. It helped him keep his body in shape, even though he wasn’t preparing for a battle with bro anymore. He still liked to practice by himself. It was one of the few things he was truly good at. 

He often considered joining a fencing team, but they would try and teach him things he already knew. Or completely different things. Those thin pointy swords that did no damage weren’t nearly as heavy as his majestic piece of shit sword. It did freak most of his friends out though, there are things he had to keep to himself and his sword was one of them. Dave smiled at his own train of thought as he realized how dirty it sounded. His bro would be proud of-

He sighed and let his head drop, chiding himself. He knew his bro hated him. He knew it. He understood it now.  Yet he still had those kinds of thoughts every once in awhile. He still ached for the approval he would never get. He would still find himself craving a simple thumbs up. 

After moving out of his house as soon as it was legal. After having sold all of his expensive shit Bro got him after a particularly tough strife, or on his birthday. After getting rid of the things that reminded him painfully of his brother, and kept the small things he couldn't rip away because they were part of him now. After everything he had done to get up after being beaten down... He still had bro's shoe pressing on his back, keeping him on the dirty gravel. 

He was still terrified of becoming the man that had tormented him for so long, still scared of the man himself. He still woke up in cold sweat after nightmares of pain and fear. He still lied to everyone around him and claimed that everything was okay when it wasn’t. He still lied to himself. 

He hadn’t seen him in years. Bro still had a tight grip on his whole identity.

____

After getting home, showering and spending half an hour on deciding what to wear, he pulled on a long sleeved red t-shirt, black skinny jeans and red converse. He felt fresh and his body only ached slightly from the exercise of that morning. His heavily calloused hands were slick with body lotion and he couldn’t open the door. He cursed at himself, not knowing how he’d even let that happen. Was he really that nervous about the stupid meetup with a stupid boy? 

He then realized, he’d only ever had three friends. Jade, John and Rose. Those were the only people in his life. The rest were just acquaintances he nodded at when he passed them on the street, or when they went to one of the clubs he worked at. He hadn’t really realized how lonely he was until that moment. When he was trying to open the damn door but the doorknob slipped right through his fingers. 

He had always been a loner. He never made any friends at school, relying instead on his online friends.  John had been the first, who then introduced him to the rest of them. But they all had their own separate little group of friends, he didn’t. 

It was not a good time for it, but he remembered the couple from the club. The trolls that danced together, as though the world didn’t exist. He remembered Rose staring into Kanaya as though she was the most beautiful work of art she’d ever seen. 

Dave would never have that. At least, now he could add one more to the list of people that would cry at his funeral. 

____

The sound of his knuckles rapping on the wooden door surprised him a lot more than it should’ve. He sat back and waited for Karkat to answer. The troll already knew he was there, after having buzzed him in, but he took a while to answer the door anyways.

He was in his usual dark and comfortable (yet extremely inappropriate for the heat) attire. Dave couldn’t help himself and smiled at Karkat. 

“Someone looks particularly sexy, with their nails all painted black and their horns all shiny.” Dave teased. Then, he could have sworn he saw a hint of red spread through the tips of the troll's ears. He ignored it, pushing that image to the back of his brain. 

“Shut the fuck up and get inside before I regret this and slam the door on your face.” Karkat yelled, his usual tone of voice. 

“Calm down Karkitten.” Dave walked inside and looked around. The apartment was certainly cleaner than his own. He walked over to the couch in front of the TV and sat down on it. He immediately propped his legs up on the table, and turned to smirk at his annoyed host. 

“You have deplorable manners, you insufferable prick.” Karkat pushed his feet off the table, squatting down in front of the TV. He stood back up a few moments later, holding up three DVD’s. “I picked three you should pick one out of.” He sat next to him, trying to act casual, but his body language spoke volumes. He was nervous. Dave couldn’t help but wonder what was going through the troll’s mind. He was easy to read emotionally, but Dave couldn’t actually read minds. He ached to know what was going through Karkat’s. 

“What are you thinking about? Why are you jittery?” Dave asked before he could think twice about it, or simply stop himself. 

“Why the fuck do you ask?” He snapped back. 

“Because I want to know the answer, why else would I ask?” He answered coolly, making a simple shrugging motion, pretending it was no big deal to him. 

Karkat took in a long breath and puffed it out in a sigh, crossing his arms over his chest. “I am not used to having people over. It’s… been a long time since I have had friends that actually like me or want to hang out.” 

Dave knew that probably wasn’t true. Karkat’s friends probably did want and enjoyed spending time with him, he knew Karkat didn’t believe that because of his own insecurities. He had been in the same place for a while. Not that he would tell Karkat this, he wasn't going to vent out his insecurities to an asshole he'd just met. Not... yet. At least. He sighed and pulled a movie out of Karkat’s hands. 

“I want to watch this one.” Dave smiled at him, and Karkat seemed to relax, if only slightly. 

Strider was the one who got up and put the movie on, easily adjusting himself to the different DVD equipment. He had always been good with electronics. He sat back down next to Karkat. “So, where’s your crab?” He teased. 

“Shut the fuck up you dick.” Karkat answered immediately, tightening his arms crossed over his chest. 

Dave smiled to himself when he wasn't looking. 

____

The movie was as cheesy as Dave expected… but he quickly found himself invested in the story. He knew it wasn’t cool, it was all kinds of lame he had never reached before. It was a good story, though. It was like when you find a piece of candy behind the couch. It looks gross and it's covered in lint. You have no idea how it got there, or if eating it will make you sick. But curiosity beats you and you try it anyways. At first, it tastes like months of dust and lint and who-knows-what-else that was under your couch. After that, it tastes kinda good. It's still candy. Then you realize, the candy has gum in the center. Fuck everything if you are not getting to that gum. 

That's what rom coms were like.

He was laying on most of the couch, flat on his back, half of his legs hanging off the armrest. Karkat sat next to him, comfortably folded into himself with his feet on the couch and his one arm rested on his knees. His other hand  had been petting Dave’s hair, absent minded, for at least twenty minutes. Dave was relaxed in ways he did not understand and had never felt before. Neither commented on this. 

“Wait. Wait. So she’s in a coma?” Dave asked instead. 

“Yep, not dead. Just in a coma.” Karkat said, twirling Dave’s hair in between his soft thin fingers. 

“So she can be brought back?” Dave looked at Karkat now, and karkat looked down at him. 

“If you speculate too much, you could ruin the movie for yourself... Some of these are predictable, but they’re still very good.” He paused. “Now, hush. This is a good part.” 

Dave discovered they were both the type of people that talked during movies, so neither of them got annoyed at the other for that. He made a mental note never to go to the movies with Karkat, otherwise they would get kicked out. He made another mental note to definitely take him to the movies, so they would both get kicked out for talking too much and annoying everyone else. 

____

When the end credits rolled, Dave did not want to go home. He was too calm to go back to his apartment, too at ease with everything including himself. It was an odd feeling he wanted to understand, so he did not want to change what was happening for a little longer. 

“Okay. I think I will need to watch at least one more to decide if I will hate on romcoms or not.” He grabbed one from the table without looking at it and handed it over to Karkat, who in turn stood up to set it inside.

“This is one of my all time favorites.” He said when he started setting it up, the widest, toothiest most stupid grin on his face. Dave didn’t even try stop himself from smiling back. He didn’t really care. 

They were halfway through the movie when Dave stood up to stretch.  “Do you mind it if I make some popcorn and serve myself something to drink?” He said, pulling his arms behind his back. 

“Shut the fuck up this is my favorite part of the movie.” Karkat hissed. “Sure, go ahead, whatever.” He waved him away and began mouthing some of the lines.

Dave walked in the general area he assumed the kitchen would be in, at a loss. He had no idea how normal people organized their kitchens. So first he looked in the fridge, half expecting shitty swords to pile out. Instead, he found a bowl of fruit, a tomato, jello and a jug of water. He took the jug of water out deciding that’s what he would drink, it was too bad Karkat didn’t have AJ, but water would do. He went to look for a glass, opening cabinets. When he found the ones that held the glasses, he had an odd feeling growing in his chest. Something was off. He tried to shrug it off as he served himself water. When he put the jug back in the fridge he looked around the place, half trying to pin what was wrong and the other half trying to shrug the feeling off. The sink was filled with glasses and tea cups, no silverware or dishes. Everything else was far too clean. 

He knitted his brows in confusion as he looked for the popcorn. His cabinets were pretty full, everything was okay. But they were too organized. Everything seemed to have been in the same place for a while. It was probably just Karkat being clean. The feeling didn't fade anyways. As he tried to convince himself he was just reading too much into things, and the warm _something is very wrong_ feeling growing quickly. Everything in his cabinets was unopened. The only opened thing he could find was a box of tea, which was also the only thing that didn't seem to be perfectly aligned with everything else. His breath came tight in his chest. 

He barely knew Karkat. He barely knew this guy. This troll. Maybe it was a troll thing... but he knew. He knew it wasn't.

“Hey Karkat do you even have popcorn?” Dave called, trying to sound nonchalant and succeeding beautifully, years of training being applied. “Bro your fridge is empty when was the last time you went to the grocery store?” He waited, for longer than he should’ve.  

“Oh like a week! You know how it is when you live alone.” Karkat replied, pausing the movie. 

Dave knew he was lying. He knew. He could tell. He was the best liar, and he could see it now.  He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed it before. 

He walked into the living room, looked directly at Karkat. “Karkat. I'm your bro, right? I'm your friend.” he said. 

Karkat hesitated, furrowing his eyebrows, he looked confused. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“We are. We are good bros. We might not be the best of bros, but I need to ask you a question and I need you to be honest with me Karkat.” no nickname, no beating around the bush,  no ridiculous metaphor. Karkat had to listen. 

“Okay… ask.” Karkat fidgeted with his sleeves. 

“Karkat. Have you been starving yourself?” He let the words hang in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long to write, I had no idea how to do that last scene until it suddenly hit me. I also had to comb through it a couple of times, so it took a longer time than i originally planned. 
> 
> Also, just because homestuck ended by no means I am going to stop writing this fic. Just to clarify. And I will probably write more davekat in the future because OTP. 
> 
> And yes, I did just quote an anime at the beginning.
> 
> eDIT: thaNK YOU SO MUCH FOR 100 KUDOS


	7. Truth and anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Heavy talk about ED's.

> “How am I not supposed to fall in love with my illness? With becoming the kind of silhouette people are supposed to fall in love with? Why would I ever want to stop being hungry, when anorexia was the most interesting thing about me?” [(x)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16Tb_bZZDv0)

Karkat’s breath was caught in his throat. A heavy weight was on top of his chest. The floodgates were opened and he was drowning inside himself, quickly choking in his own thoughts, he had no idea what to say. Dave’s eyes were hidden behind those stupid shades. He had no idea what he was thinking. Was he disgusted by him? Karkat was certainly disgusted with himself. 

There wasn’t much he could do, Dave had figured it out much faster than anyone else in his life. He was completely vulnerable, and this insufferable prick was the one who had figured him out. He wanted to crawl under the couch and hide. He wanted to fling himself out the fucking window. He wanted to run away. He wanted to shrink into his sweater that kept him warm in the ridiculous cold for that time of year. 

He didn’t have many real choices. As he sat stunned looking at Dave clenching his jaw, he considered what he could do.

**Plan A: Deny.**

“What? No, of course not. We’ve gone eating out together wh-why would you even think that?” He sputtered like a broken machine.

“Karkat, I know you’re lying, I can tell. You’re not as good of a liar as you think you are.” Karkat positioned himself to be able to see Dave, as the human crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at him.

He knew that road was far fetched. Dave wasn’t dumb, but he had to try anyways. Even if it only led to more desperation. 

**Plan B: Get pissed.**

The rage inside him was already boiling, and he couldn't really stop himself as he begun screaming. “Well even if I did why the fuck do you care? You barely know me. You don’t know why I am doing this, and I have a damn good reason to do this. We are not even friends, so get the fuck out of my face and my business.” Karkat spat. He regretted it the moment he said it. He wasn’t very good at reading Dave’s facade, but he saw the muscles in his arms and shoulders tense and he looked down for a second. When he looked back up, he looked exactly as he had before. 

“There’s no  _ possible  _ reason in this damned earth that would convince me starving yourself is worth it. Karkat you could fucking kill yourself!” Dave’s voice carried all the emotion his face did not. How hard was he trying to keep that stupid face on? He couldn’t fucking stand it.

“So FUCKING what? Not like anyone would miss me!” The words spilled out of his mouth before he could stop himself. 

Dave went quiet for a few seconds, tension thick in the air. “Karkles... you have to know that’s not true.” His voice was- smaller. His arms fell to his sides, and he took a step forward.

**Plan C: (Helplessly) defend yourself.**

Karkat sighed out gently. “It… doesn’t. It doesn't always kill people. I mean, there are plenty of girls that do it. It's not bad- I'm not doing anything wrong.” He tried to explain, feeling his hands and feet colder than the rest of his body. He really wanted to crawl into bed.

“Don’t. You fucking dare come at me with that load of bullshit. That’s what it is, and you know it, a load of bullshit. Why would you ever do something like that to yourself? You are not fat, you are not ugly, and you are a very fun person to hang out with. You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to look pretty. Even if you did feel that way, you  _ are  _ pretty you fucking dimwitted jackoff.” Dave had an impassive look, still, but his speech betrayed his charade. He was definitely altered by their conversation and he had no idea why. Why did the stupid bastard even care? Why did he give a shit if nobody else did? So what if he lost so much weight he disappeared... at least, he would go pretty. He would go, knowing someone could have loved him.  

He held his breath for a few seconds, looking up at the bastard until  he couldn't. He looked down at his feet. 

**Plan  D: Own up to it.**

“I’m not. I’m not pretty. I do have a reason.” He hesitated for a long while, trying to collect his thoughts and whatever little pride he had left. Who was he kidding? He never had any pride to begin with. “He… HE was the reason I started this. Okay? While he was still here, he would poke at my stomach and pull at my skin. He would stare at me with such a disgusted look whenever I snacked. He-” Karkat hesitated again, after having blurted his guts out. It was too late to stop now. “He took food away from me saying I didn’t need to get chubbier, and took my money saying he knew all I do would be to buy food with it. Waste it and throw it down the drain. He would slap the food out of my hands...” He swallowed back a memory, feeling his eyes sting with tears. He couldn't... say that. Not that. A year back, in that sort of situation he would be digging his nails into his skin to keep himself a little calmer. In that moment, his nails were brittle and useless. They were chipping constantly, which was why he always kept them short and well painted. Instead of digging into his skin to distract himself, he pulled on his sleeves, he looked down at his shoes. “I know you are probably disgusted, and you probably think I am weak or some stupid idiotic shit like that. I am. I am stupid. I am a stupid needy bastard that just wanted-” 

Dave had to interrupt him before he let him berate himself any longer. 

“You aren’t.” Was all he said. Firmly. He walked over to the couch where Karkat was on his knees, his front rested against the back of it, his hands gripping on the edge again. When he sat next to him, crossed legged and looking towards him,  Karkat sat back down, looking forward and away from Dave. “Listen to me Karkat.” His voice was steady, he had a sort of commanding tone in that moment. Karkat did as told. “I don’t understand this. I have no idea why you would do something like that, why you would…  _ willingly  _ stop eating.” 

Karkat flinched, he would probably be called out for his petty problems and how everything he was going through was all his fault. It was all his fault that he had gotten fired from a good job because he kept arriving late due to the fact he couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. It was his fault he was constantly exhausted and barely had any energy to go out to work and therapy. It was his fault his fear of getting caught had made him pull away from his friends, making him feel crippling loneliness. He had thrown his life down the drain and he knew it. He didn’t regret it. If his boyfriend came back, he would make him stay this time. He would stay this time. Karkat was pretty now. Or at least he was close to it. He was getting prettier now. He hoped. 

It… wasn’t enough, though. 

It never was. The calculator in his brain that kept track of all the calories was still going. The mirror in his bathroom was still covered with a sheet, that would be removed only when he felt the need to tear himself apart. He would still climb the scale in his room three times that night and he knew it. 

“Karkat, listen to me.” Dave’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts in an instant. “Please. How… how long have you been doing this? How bad is it?” Karkat felt guilt in the pit of his stomach, a different kind of burn than the one he felt from hunger. Was _ — _ Dave worried about him? 

“I don’t know.” Karkat whispered, soft. The softest he’d spoken in a long while. “I started before he left… thinking it’d make him stay and, well, it didn’t.” He looked back up at Dave, who was nibbling the inside of his cheeks. He felt completely vulnerable. He felt as though he’d been stripped and put on display for Dave to observe and analyze. Scrutinize like a bug. He was afraid. Of course he was afraid, Dave had been the only person that had cared enough about him to even notice, and he barely knew him. So, despite his urges to slap him, to tell him to get the fuck out of his house, he bowed his head. He bit his broken nails. He waited for Dave to say something, anything. To let him know he was alive. He was scared to look up. Knowing the bastard’s face was completely unreadable and he just wanted to tear those shades off his stupid face. When he began to consider looking up again, Dave spoke. 

“I don’t know… I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how to deal with this. I don’t understand it.” He began. “But I want to help you get better. I’ll help you get better… We’ll find a way.” 

Karkat felt the urge to scream. To tell him he didn’t need help. He didn’t need to get better. He was fine as he was. He was thinner and he was almost beautiful enough to call him again and ask him to come back. Almost. Almost would never be enough. He would never reach that point and even if he did he wouldn’t come back because he never loved him. How could he? How could anyone love someone like him? He began scratching at his skin then, missing his nails so he could actually do something to it. He wanted to kick Dave out so badly. 

He couldn’t. He had distanced himself from all of his friends out of fear of this. Of being figured out. Of being forced to eat again. Of disappointing everyone around him. Dave hadn’t screamed. He hadn’t gotten pissed or disgusted. Most of all, he had never looked at him with pity. He never spoke with pity. So Karkat didn’t kick him out. 

Instead, he agreed. 

“How?” He asked. 

“I don’t know yet. We will figure it out, okay? We will figure something out.” He promised. 

“...Why?” Karkat finally asked his real question. 

Dave took a while to reply. “I don’t know what it is about you. I don’t know why, I just want you to be okay. Okay? You said we aren’t friends. We are though, right? I’ll help you as much as I can.” 

It suddenly hit Karkat, he understood everything. “You’re pale for me?” Karkat gasped softly. 

Dave tilted his head and Karkat could see his eyebrows pushed together behind his shades. 

“That’s like the very close friendship for trolls?” Dave asked. 

“That’s a ridiculous oversimplification… but I guess you could put it that way.” If Karkat hadn’t been so emotionally and physically exhausted, he probably would’ve gone into a long speech about how it was so much more than that. 

“I guess so.” Dave nodded after considering it.

“So… you want to be moirails?” Karkat couldn’t breathe for completely different reasons.

Dave nodded. “Yeah. Let’s do it, man.”

 

 

\----

 

Dave went home soon after the movie was over (which they watched in somewhat tense silence) leaving Karkat alone. As soon as he got to his own apartment, he went onto his computer and did some extensive research. 

He really wanted to help Karkat. He didn’t want him to keep hurting himself. He didn’t want Karkat to feel he NEEDED to hurt himself. 

The first thing he found for him was a real therapist who specialized in eating disorders. He called her on the phone and had an hour long chat with her, made an appointment for Karkat, and asked questions about what he could do to help him. He explained their earlier conversation, and the doctor told him where he had gone wrong and what he should avoid saying ever again. He had made more mistakes than he wanted to, but nothing too bad, according to the psychologist. 

He would never tell Karkat this, or anyone else, but he took notes on what he should and shouldn’t do when talking to Karkat about it. He asked as many questions he felt he needed to ask. 

He was trying, really hard. He wanted to help Karkat. He was going to help Karkat. Because, maybe, just maybe, Karkat could one day care enough for him to do the same. That was what he motivated himself with. Or, at least, that was what he would tell Karkat in the future. 

In reality, something else entirely was happening inside Dave’s head. 

So he wrote down what she said he shouldn’t say to him. What he could do for him. There was a conversation he needed to have with him, and soon. 

After he was done talking to her he went back to his computer, where he went through whole websites to find what he needed to know. 

Before he knew it, it was dark out, his eyes stung and his cheeks were heated from spending so much time reading the screen. 

____

Karkat was laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling and feeling numb all over, when his phone buzzed somewhere underneath him. He pulled it out to find Dave was calling him. He debated whether or not he wanted to pick up, only for a few moments. Dave was the only friend he had who cared about him at the time and he couldn’t afford pushing him away. He needed him. 

“Strider.” He said when he picked up. 

“Vantas!” Did he sound… happy? He couldn’t help but be utterly confused, after the bomb he had dropped on him… Why didn’t he hate him? Why wasn’t he pissed or why didn’t he start insulting him as Karkat expected everyone to do if they found out? “We need to talk again. Do you want to do it over the phone, or in person? I pestered you but you weren’t replying.” 

Karkat’s body hurt, and all he really wanted was to go to sleep already. “I’m exhausted Dave, so let’s just talk tomorrow.”

“Alright, let’s talk tomorrow. I usually go for a run and some exercise in the mornings, so I’ll meet you after, okay? Ten? at the park? I’ll meet you at the bench near the entrance.” He sounded so fucking casual, and Karkat was truly at a loss of what to say or what to do. 

“Oh-okay.” Karkat found himself nodding at someone who couldn’t see him. 

“Alright, see you then Karkles.” He had his warm phone pressed to his face for a while after that, even though the call had ended. 

____

When the next morning came, Karkat dragged himself out of bed, showered and dressed. Again, he debated whether or not he wanted to go. Whether or not he was so desperate for company he was willing to put up with Dave Strider. He was. 

So he sat in a park bench, waiting for someone he wasn’t sure was even going to show up, and he half hoped Dave didn’t.

When he heard his voice behind him, he was stunned to feel himself relax. Dave Strider sat next to him, reeking of sweat. His hair was clumped to his forehead in a not at all flattering way. His glasses had drips of his sweat for fucks sake, that was disgusting. He tried and failed not to comment on it. 

“You smell like the moldy thing growing in the parking lot of my building. You are disgustingly sweaty. How do you even manage to smell so badly?” He hissed. Dave smiled. 

“Oh, baby, you hurt me. My poor heart is bleeding for you. Because you stabbed it with your mean, mean words.” He sat crossed legged facing him again, just like he had the day before. He was holding his hands to his chest and fucking _pouting_. With those puffy pink lips. The bastard. 

“Karkles… I want to apologize. For last night. My reaction wasn’t the best and I screwed up really badly. I’m sorry about some things I said, but not all. For example, I meant it when I said I want to be you super special troll quadrant friend. I also meant it when I said I would help you get through this. But, I need you to make that decision. I need you to  _ want  _ to change to  _ want  _ to get healthy again. I swear, I will help you all the way through.” 

Karkat felt anger and something else boil inside him. The anger subsided when he realized that something else was guilt. Guilt that someone was so worried about him, and he didn’t want to hurt him.

It was very difficult to admit, and as Dave gave him his time to think and debate with himself, he finally did. He… really did need help. Who was he kidding? He was worn thin. He was drained out. He was exhausted of his head going on and on and on and he was tired of not being able to eat anything without feeling guilt and pain and… as though he had been defeated. 

Lastly, the person he begun for. The love he needed was not coming back, and he thought it was time to face that. It ached like a punch. 

“I… do. I want to get help. With… a few conditions.” Karkat said. 

“Anything.” Dave shrugged. 

“You… you fucking idiot douchebag. You promise you’ll help me through and, you’ll be supportive and…” 

“Of course, you don’t even have to ask that.” Dave interrupted before he was done with his idea. 

“I’ll talk to you about, this. And I’ll get help. If you promise not to leave. If you promise you won’t be disgusted by me. If you promise… you’ll talk to me about your problems too.” He didn't want to open his heart up to Dave Fucking Strider, and the bastard to still be closed up about himself. He was done, but then he realized he could pull something out of the whole ordeal. “And, I want to see your eyes.” Karkat said, staring directly past those stupid shades. 

That was when Dave seemed to falter. “Wh-what the fuck Karkat?” He sputtered. 

“Promise.” Karkat demanded. 

“I promise.” Dave finally replied. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed this. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left a nice comment or Kudos. 
> 
> If you have any constructive criticism, I would gladly appreciate it.


	8. Dinner and Hands.

> **“I am so much more than a side effect to the messes you made.”[(x)](https://youtu.be/4W7hZnSbfGU) **

Dave Strider had many flaws, one of his biggest was he had never been the best of friends.

Maybe not even a decent friend... or a good person, for that matter. 

He was trying his best to change that.

It had been three weeks since Dave had found out about Karkat’s disorder. Once Karkat had decided to go, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, Dave picked him up from work and took him to his therapist. He waited outside for an hour, playing on his phone or listening to music, then him out to dinner. 

It slowly got easier, helping Karkat eat. Dave talked to him through it, not focusing on the meal itself. Of course Karkat did as well. They talked, teased, joked, and essentially made things go smoother. 

It became Dave's favorite part of his routine.

____

The first time they ate together, Karkat pushed his plate away. The thing was still over half full.  He turned to look at Dave with worry written all over his face.

“What's wrong Karkles?” Dave asked casually. 

“S-Sorry. I just… couldn't.” Karkat tugged at the skin of his stomach under the table, thinking Dave wouldn't notice. He did. 

“Can I borrow your hands for a sec?” Dave asked, placing his own hands on the table, palms up. Karkat hesitantly set his hands on top of Dave's, who in turn gently gripped them. “Don't worry. If you tried your best, you tried your best. You're going to get better. You already are. I'm really proud of you, Karkles.” he said, in his most sincere voice.

Karkat blushed and gripped his hands back. “I'll try eating a little more.” He let go of his hands and picked his fork back up.

That day, he still didn't finish his plate. He still looked upset when he saw how much he'd eaten. 

 

That night, Dave sat on his bed and stared at his trembling hands for what felt like hours. He had never noticed exactly how calloused his hands were, or how many veins he could see on them. He stared at every detail on his hands, trying to draw his thoughts away from the spiral they were tumbling through. Something was making his stomach turn.  It wasn't fear, he knew that feeling. It was close, though. It felt close to fear, close to terror, close to panic. It wasn't close enough for him to know what it was, or know how to deal with it.

His hands felt… weird. Foreign. They didn't belong to him. They weren't his hands. Those hands that were attached to his arms but weren't his hands, they were craving something.  They needed something desperately. He wanted Karkat’s warm hands wrapped around his again. How idiotic was that?  How childish was that? He felt stupid, ridiculous, idiotic, naive. He wasn't himself. Dave Strider didn't ache to be held. 

But oh, how nice it had felt. 

___

A few days later, Karkat got up during dinner. He looked anxious, and he kept pulling at his sleeves. 

“What's wrong, Karkitty?” The shades perched on the bridge of his nose hid any semblance of worry that was consuming him. For the millionth time in his life, he was glad he had them. 

“No. Nothing, I'm just going to the bathroom.” 

Dave had already known something was wrong, but his null reply to the nickname made him sure.   “Alright Karkles, have fun and don't fall in.” He gave him the smallest of smiles, twisting up the corners of his mouth.

Karkat walked away and came back just a few seconds later. “I'm a bad liar, “ he admitted. 

“Yes, you are,” Dave agreed. 

“Then why didn't you stop me?” 

“Because I trust you.” 

Karkat sat back down.

 

Dave didn't touch him that time. He didn't touch him, even though he wanted to. Even though when he slept he had to force himself not to wonder what it would feel like to have someone wrapped around him, like in those cheesy movies Karkat loved so much. 

He knew that wasn't for him. Knew it was ridiculous to even consider it. He'd tried to be like his brother so long, and now he was desperate to be different. He wouldn't be the destructive bastard his bro was. He couldn't. He didn't want to end up the same way he did. He didn't want to be alone for the rest of his life. 

He also didn't want anyone to get too close. He couldn't let anyone get too close. 

___

It had gone progressively better from there, and Dave was happy for Karkat. He wanted a small change, though. After three weeks of restaurants Dave decided he would learn how to cook. He wanted to be able to make dinner for Karkat. He wanted to keep showing him he cared. It was probably a dumb way to do so, at least, he thought so. He didn’t really mind, though. He just wanted to help Karkat get better. He felt somewhat responsible for him now, since he’d agreed to be his moirail. He wanted to see him more often, to make sure he was doing his best to get better. (To have some company, so Dave could spend less time with his own thoughts). 

He wanted to talk to him.  _ Really  _ talk to him, not just joke around. They didn’t feel comfortable talking about important things in restaurants, and they hadn’t really spent time together outside of their little routine. So, maybe eating in his apartment would give them a better chance to talk. Well, it would give him a better chance to  _ listen _ . 

Everything altogether convinced him he wanted to learn. He’d always wanted to enjoy real meals at home, instead of Doritos for breakfast and dinner. 

That… was probably why he got so upset with Karkat at first. He had starved before, but not by choice. He had starved, and he had ached for food. He had been utterly confused as to why someone would want to feel that pain willingly. After hoarding food in his closet for years… But, he tried to understand. He knew he never would, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t help. That didn’t mean he should be a dick about it, like he had been at first.

He tried with all his might to be helpful instead of destructive, what he’d been taught to be.

Rose stood in his kitchen inspecting the supplies he’d bought. 

“Why do you want to do this?” she asked. 

“No reason.” He was sat on the counter, next to his groceries. He swung his feet like a child, staring at the grey laces of the red converse. 

“Oh, we both know that is not true.” She turned to see him and smiled. 

Dave let his head fall back and groaned exaggeratedly. “I want to learn to cook for Karkat, okay?” 

“Your troll friend? Isn’t that a pleasant surprise.” Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Hey, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to ask,” Dave said, jumping off the counter and standing next to her, almost close enough to make himself uncomfortable. 

“What would that be?” 

“You set us up, didn’t you?”

She replied with a sly smile. “I will neither confirm nor deny these wild allegations.”  

“He told me his friend Kanaya was the one who got him into therapy, and it was you who made me go. Kanaya is your girlfriend, isn't she? That's why you flaunted getting her number, so I wouldn't realize that you'd played with us.  So the timing would be off, right? So, why?” 

She sighed. “You both need someone. We were ready to push you two together while you were still in group, but that wasn't necessary. It seems our matchmaking skills are even better than we previously anticipated. You both naturally drew together like magnets.”

Dave considered that,  and it was true. They'd been naturally attracted to each other, even if it was a ploy from the beginning. He was grateful, even if they'd basically tried to set up a blind friend date through a therapy group. 

“I'm taking him to one on one therapy.” Dave blurted. “With a specialist.” 

“Are  _ you _ going to a specialist? Your mind is a very interesting chaos, someone should have fun trudging through that mess.” 

“No, Rose, C’mon. I'm talking about important shit here.” 

“I am as well! Your psyche is just as important as his.” 

“You already made me go to a group therapy just to experiment with me and your friendship matchmaking skills. I am not going to a shitty therapist, because I don’t need one. I can deal with my personal fucked up shit. Even if I couldn’t, I can’t really afford it. Karkat doesn’t know I’m paying half of the bill of his psychologist, and this apartment isn’t cheap. Being a DJ pays pretty well, but it isn’t the most profitable job in the country.”  Dave had begun ranting, Rose knew that if she let him, he could go on for hours. He would run around pointless arguments and never say what he meant directly. She really wasn’t up for that in that moment. 

“Alright, if you truly wish so I’ll teach you how to cook for him. We should start with something basic. I’ll teach you how to make spaghetti.” She began turning on the stove. “You do know how to make the heat come out of this, correct?” She smiled, wanting to irritate Dave.

Dave was too excited, and too busy trying to hide his excitement, to really be bothered by Rose’s condescending attitude. 

As she explained step by step how to make spaghetti, they talked about small things with big words, as had grown to be a custom between them. It was quite entertaining. After they made spaghetti, Rose began teaching him how to make a simple salad. It was probably something he could easily get Karkat to eat, since it wasn’t very high on calories.

“You have to disinfect the lettuce, so you-” Dave would learn how to cook simple things, and later on he would have to follow simple recipes online so he wouldn’t need to bother Rose with cooking classes. He pulled out his phone, searching for good online cookbooks. (Completely oblivious to the fact he was letting Rose become background noise to the soundtrack of his thoughts), he looked for instructions on foods he wanted to try. He found information about healthy eating, what and how much should be eaten a day. 

It all sounded pretty simple, but before he could help Karkat apply it in his life, he would have to try it on his own life. It would be a little difficult with him, since he often consumed a lot of alcohol while at work. It wasn’t really his decision, he had never been a fan of getting drunk. Whenever he got a little more than tipsy, he settled into paranoia and sadness. He wasn’t a happy drunk. He also wasn’t fond of not being able to control himself, what he said and did and he-

“Strider you’re the one who made me come here to teach you how to cook! Stop ignoring me. You really do have the attention span of a fly sometimes, what has gotten into you?” She took his phone away from his hands and made him turn around towards the ingredients. 

____

“How did it go?” Dave sat in the car with Karkat on the passenger seat.

Karkat grumbled before replying. “Pretty well, I guess. She thinks I'm getting better, and thinks you're helping,” he slurred. 

“Are you sleepy?” Dave said with a smile. “You can take a nap if you want to, I'll wake you up when we get there.”

“You sure? I mean I am tired but I could try staying up. How far are we?” 

“Karkles, just take a nap. It's alright, I promise.” 

Karkat settled himself in the seat of the car, closing his eyes and crashing in a few minutes. He looked adorable when he slept. 

Dave turned on the radio, to the CD he'd mixed (pushing the thoughts of the troll sleeping next to him out of his mind). He turned it down enough so it wouldn't bother Karkat, and hummed along to his favorite songs. 

When they got to his apartment, Karkat looked adorable and deeply asleep. He tried waking him up, (or he would tell Karkat he tried waking him up). When he couldn't,  he easily slipped one arm under his knees and the other under his arms and carried him inside. It got difficult when he had to open doors, but it was a challenge he was willing to accept. Then, he laid him out on his couch, and went to his kitchen so he could begin preparing dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > If you can, please watch the video linked in the quote. It is a beautiful poem by Joseph Capehart.  
> > A special and gigantic thank you to AO3 user revenblue who helped me correct all my previous chapters! I AM STILL VERY GRATEFUL. THANK YOU.  
> Thank you so much for reading!


	9. Sleep and Panic.

> _ “I’ll keep you safe _
> 
> _ Try hard to concentrate _
> 
> _ Hold out your hand _
> 
> _ Can you feel the weight of it? _
> 
> _ The whole world at your fingertips _
> 
> _ Don’t be, don’t be afraid.” [(x)](https://youtu.be/sHXa85SOWtk) _

 

Karkat woke up when his nostrils were completely  _ assaulted _ by… something that actually smelled GOOD. Was that pepper? It certainly smelled like meat. His mouth watered and his stomach did a pirouette. His first thought was to control the hunger, but, he wasn’t doing that anymore? How many calories are in pepper? He sat up groggily, rubbing his whole face with his hands. He was about to reach into his pocket for his phone to look up the information, but when he looked down he found his pockets empty and... Where was he? Hadn’t he been in Dave’s car? Wasn’t he supposed to be in a restaurant? Fuck, had he fallen asleep at a restaurant? He groaned into his palms and looked around trying to discern any clue to where he was. 

He had been lying on a very comfortable, mildly battered, black couch with a leather jacket crumpled next to him. It had probably been covering him up, even though it was a pretty hot day. He hesitantly took the leather jacket and sniffed the neck of it, hoping it didn’t look as creepy as it felt. He was pretty sure it was Dave’s. The odd human didn’t wear any strong kind of cologne or anything, but he had a sort of naturally sweet smell to him. Karkat had never gotten close enough to him to smell him before, but he was pretty sure. So, he’d been covered with Dave’s jacket. He’d been in Dave’s car and was now somewhere he didn’t recognize. He had never been afraid, though. He had never been thrown him into a sudden panic of the unknown surroundings. He’d felt quite comfortable. Realizing this, he was confused. He should’ve flipped his shit over this. He looked around and found his phone sitting on the coffee table in front of him and pocketed it; what he’d been planning to do with it a few moments before long gone in his train of thought. 

He got up and followed the scent of pepper and sound of sizzling meat. His stomach growled and he clutched at the skin there, feeling his face heat up. 

“Strider wheat the ever living fuck, why didn't you wake me up!?” Karkat hissed. 

He definitely did not expect the reaction that he got. He expected some banter or teasing for having fallen asleep. Instead, Dave stood frozen in place for a few milliseconds, and then seemingly materialized a sword out of midair and thrust it in his direction. The tall human held a perfect fighting stance, his feet apart, one in front of the other, knees bent slightly, the hilt of the sword at the height of his hips and the tip pointing at Karkat’s face... Dave looked horribly intimidating. The troll, feeling smaller than he already was, raised his hands in surrender. His heart was beating in his throat. Dave still stood firmly, no hesitation in his actions but breathing unevenly.

Karkat could hear the blood rushing in his ears. “W-what the fuck, Strider?” He heard his voice before he even processed he was speaking. It was high-pitched and shrill.

Dave looked down at his hands, then back up at Karkat. “Shit. Shit. Shit. Sorry.” Dave’s tone was as deep as always but slower, his southern drawl escaping him. He lowered the sword and turned around to tuck it in somewhere under his sink. Karkat stayed where he was, afraid to be attacked with a fucking  _ sword  _ if he stepped any closer. What the fuck had he gotten himself into? Who the fuck was Dave Strider and why did he have a sword  _ under his fucking sink. _

“Seriously Strider, what the ever living fuck?!” he demanded. 

“Fuck. I’m so sorry Karkat, you startled me.” Dave’s hand went to scratch the back of his neck and he leaned up against the fridge next to him. 

Karkat was suddenly very aware of the muscles in his arms. He could’ve snapped him in fucking half. He crossed his arms tightly around his chest. “I fucking STARTLED YOU? Do you know what someone NORMAL does when they’re startled? They jump! They flinch! They scream! THEY DON’T PULL OUT A FUCKING SWORD YOU FUCKING JACKASS.” He should probably tone down the volume of his voice… who the fuck cared about that, though. He’d just had a sword pointed at him. 

“Karkat calm down!” Dave attempted to reason with him. “I swear, it was just an accident. You scared me. I wouldn’t actually attack you,” he promised. 

“Have you officially gone INSANE?! Did your thinkpan fucking melt because of this disgusting heat? Why the fuck do you have a fucking SWORD under your fucking SINK? What the FUCK Strider?” Karkat motioned wildly with his hands to express his distress and took a defiant step forward, to immediately regret it and take a step backward. 

“Look it’s just a thing.” He shrugged, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

“It’s not a big deal. I just have swords lying around the house and sometimes I practice with them. It’s cool, no one gets hurt.” Karkat had a feeling he’d left something out of that sentence but said nothing of it. 

“SWORD **_S_ ** ?” he stressed the last  _ s.  _ “How many do you even have?!” 

“Bro, I dunno. I have a shit ton, but I promise none of them will even nick that pretty little skin of yours. They are all pieces of shit anyway, most of them are broken.” He shrugged, as though it really wasn’t a big deal. Because it wasn’t, not to him. It took Karkat a while to process this new piece of information.

“Who the fuck did I befriend? Who the fuck are you Dave? What the fuck? What kind of human has swords lying around in his fucking house?” 

“Who am I? Well, to be truthful, I have been wondering that myself for quite a long time.” He faked a hurt tone of voice and pressed his open palms to his chest, over his heart. “Who knows if I will ever find the answer. I just know… I am fucking awesome.” Dave was smirking then.

Karkat shoved him, suppressing a smile. He snorted, shaking his head and facepalming. 

“Swords are really fucking sick, Karkitten. I have one hanging in my bedroom. And, hey, most humans have guns in their houses! I just have swords! They are slightly less murderous.”

Karkat was laughing. That douchebag, Dave fucking Strider. Damn it. “Stop calling me that you prick.”

“So, dinner’s almost ready. Could you set the table? By set the table, I mean take the pairs of forks and knives I borrowed from Rose; a couple of napkins and the red cups I stole from some party.” It was all sitting on a pile near the edge of the counter, so it wouldn’t really be hard. 

“Fine,” he grumbled, feigning annoyance and rolling his eyes. 

 

They sat on the table moments later. On Karkat’s plastic plate laid what looked like a heavily spiced pork chop. Next to the meat he saw lettuce, grapes, small pieces of cheese… were those seeds? What were those brownish things on top? Meat and a salad. It wasn’t too much, and it looked pretty good.

Even if it had been too much, Dave’s yammering kept him distracted. He began eating, with a lot more ease than before. He was… enjoying his meal. He was  _ really  _ enjoying it. For the first time in a long while, he enjoyed what he ate and he cleaned his plate. On top of that, instead of feeling guilt when his fork met an empty plate, his chest was filled with some sense of pride. He had finished his plate, he had enjoyed it, and he was proud of it. The calculator in his mind had not bothered him. (He did not dwell much on it, afraid that if he did it would start back up.) 

He looked up at Dave, stunned at his accomplishment. 

“Dave looked I finished my plate!” Karkat blurted with a wide smile. Then a sort of burning sensation of embarrassment rose in his chest and cheeks. Dave was probably going to shrug him off. Tease him about how stupid it was to be so excited about something so normal and small. Something he should be able to do, he hadn’t been able to, and it had been his own damn fault. Slowly he felt his stomach turn with anxiety, and leaped out of his seat, ready to abscond to the bathroom. 

Before he could, Dave stood a foot away from him. “Karkles! That’s amazing! I’m so proud of you!”

“I-!” Karkat was jittery, fumbling with the long sleeves of his sweater and looking for an excuse he didn’t need. For any words at all, really. He was panicking, which didn’t help the storm in his stomach. He needed to ask for the bathroo-

Suddenly, he felt Dave’s long arms wrapped around his thin shoulders. Dave held him close, and Karkat could feel Dave’s heart thrumming against his chest as their bodies were pressed together. The horrible feeling of nausea that had been settling in his stomach completely vanished. He hesitated only for a few of Dave’s heartbeats before he wrapped his arms around Dave’s waist, letting his eyes flutter closed. He felt a warmth spread through his body, as well as some nervous trembles. He tightened his grip slowly and begun relaxing completely. Without really thinking about what he was doing, letting his body act out of its own accord, he nuzzled into Dave’s chest. The top of his head barely reached Dave’s chin. Dave’s cheek was pressed onto the top of his head. 

He felt so… small, but in a good way. Small and secure, that was how he felt. He gulped back and inhaled deeply. Dave smelled fruity. Like apple juice, but also a hint of sweat.  _ He was manly like that. _ Karkat imagined Dave saying. He would’ve laughed to himself, but he was a little preoccupied in that moment. 

Their hug lasted a lot more than a normal hug ever would. When they started pulling away, Karkat looked up at Dave with his hands on the tall boy’s chest. He could make out the shape of his eyes through his ridiculous shades from that distance. They were wide and round and  _ pretty _ . 

 

Then, Karkat heard it. A loud female voice singing, “My anaconda don't, my anaconda don't, My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.” 

They both burst into laughter. 

 

____

“So, it was my friend John inviting me to that new theme park.” Dave plopped down next to Karkat on the couch, both his legs and feet on the cushion. One arm was rested on the back, the other on the armrest. He occupied twice as much space as Karkat, who was sat with his back to the other armrest and held his knees tightly to his chest. 

“What’d you say?” Karkat asked. 

“I told him I’d get back to him and that I was busy with the sexiest troll on earth.”

He rolled his eyes but was still smiling. “Are you going to the theme park or not?” 

He sighed loudly. “I dunno, man. I mean, It’d be cool, but I’ve never gone to one before, so…” 

Karkat gaped at him. “Are you fucking serious?” 

“No, sorry. He’s just a fictional character. I do like his beard, though. Pretty nice beard,” he said, not trying too hard to keep his face composed, Karkat could see the corners of his mouth twitch upwards. That was basically Dave Strider’s version of laughing at his own joke.

“You fucking nerd. Don’t change the subject.” Why did he feel this way? Why couldn’t Karkat be mad at him for being such a fucking douche? He couldn’t care this much for Dave fucking Strider. His chest was bubbling with happiness, and he wanted to ignore it. No. He wanted to want to ignore it, but he didn’t. He was enjoying himself with shit-for-brains Strider. 

“Yeah, okay, fine. No, I have never gone to a theme park. So, I’m not sure if I want to go or not?” Dave tilted his head and shrugged his shoulders, trying to pretend he didn’t give a shit. He always pretended he gave zero fucks, but Karkat knew better now. 

“Why don’t you want to go?” he pressed on. 

“Man, it’s really not that big of a deal.” 

“Dave fucking Strider, I swear.” Karkat’s patience was even smaller than he was. “If I have to deal with you barging into my business like you fucking own the place, then you have to deal with me, too. Now spill. Spew what you’re really thinking instead of the thinkpan melting shit that you usually throw around to avoid talking about real shit.” 

Dave sighed and tilted his head to both sides, cracking his neck. “Sorry, man, old habits die hard,” he shrugged.

“Yeah, yeah. Been there, done that, fucked them.” 

Dave chuckled, but the sound was corrupted with nervousness. “Fine. I guess…” Dave hesitated, squirming in his seat. He wasn’t very comfortable, it was obvious to both of them, but he’d made a deal. Sure, he was a prick sometimes, but he’d always stood by his word. “A guy has to hold up his reputation, you know? I can’t go off to a theme park with my friends, I’ve seen those massive rides. What if I freak the fuck out? I mean, don’t get me wrong it looks exciting as fuck, but John and Jade still think I’m this amazing cool-kid persona I was years ago sometimes. They expect things from me, and I really don’t want them to look at me differently than they do now. They already do sometimes and, it fucking sucks balls.” 

“What do you mean they look at you differently?” He let his head lull to a side and rested it against the back of the couch, looking into Strider’s face, who was clenching his jaw and swallowed back. Karkat looked at his Adam's apple move when he started to speak again.

“When they heard about my bro. When things about when I was a kid slip out. When they see me, sometimes they remember. Sometimes they stare. Sometimes they look away as though it were contagious. Or they fucking pity me. I may be a lot of things, but I am not to be pitied.” Dave said the last looking up at Karkat, a warning. Then he went back to looking down and picking at the laces of his shoes. “It’s probably stupid to care so much. But, as I said, old habits die hard. Especially old habits you spent years trying to perfect.”

“Like your face?” It was still expressionless, even when they were talking about things so personal. 

Dave shrugged, letting out a long sigh through his nose. “Guess so.”

Karkat was getting nervous himself, just by watching the layers of Dave’s facade slowly chip off. It was barely noticeable, but, for someone like him, it was quite obvious. He didn’t think Dave was ready for that yet. Knew that if he got too close too quick, Dave would scamper before Karkat had time to even process it. So, he said the only sensible thing he could in that moment.

“Let’s go then. To the theme park, I mean. Go with me before you go with your friends. We can ride everything, and then you’ll know what you like and what you don’t.” He tried to sound casual, but his voice came out hopeful instead. 

“Are you serious?” Dave finally looked up at Karkat. 

“Of course, I am. Haven’t gone to gone to one of these since I was a pathetic little scaredy cat kid. So, it’ll be my first time on a ride too.” Karkat failed to mention that by 'kid' he meant teenager.

“Finally accepting your true identity as Karkitten?” Dave smiled, even as Karkat kicked him with his socked feet on his chest. Karkat heard him laugh as his ankles were tightly held in one hand, and he was half sprawled on the couch, half on Dave. 

“You motherfucking bulgemunching nooksniffing-” He went on to a senseless rant of colorful insults, and it just seemed to amuse Dave. He was growing more and more frustrated, his legs wouldn’t escape the grip of the larger, stronger and more fucking annoying of the two. He finally gave up on kicking and flailing and just sat on the couch, his lower half on Dave’s lap and floating over the side of the couch, grumbling in annoyance. Dave looked thoroughly amused. “Shut up you fucking asshole.” 

“I could have said so many things, Kitkat, but I did not.” 

Karkat swatted at him helplessly. Dave pulled out his phone. By the visible reflection on Strider’s shades, he could guess he was looking through Instagram. This irritated Karkat even more, but he stopped moving again, and just laid there with his arms crossed over his chest. He didn’t move and just waited for Dave to release his legs. His eyelids grew heavy as he waited, and before he even noticed he had fallen asleep again. 

 

When Karkat woke up again, he was curled around Dave whose arm was resting around his waist. Dave’s head had fallen back, his eyes were closed and his sunglasses hung from the neck of his shirt. The small troll felt his body heat up and his heart began to race in his chest as though it were trying to run away from the feelings that were bubbling inside him. 

He understood. It hit him like one of his ex’s slap to the face. He had a crush on Dave. Of course. He was the first person to show him this kind of empathy, kindness and care since his ex. Of course, he would immediately cling to him like a desperate needy little grub, of course. He should’ve seen it coming. It was just a crush, though. He could live with that. He knew Dave wouldn’t reciprocate so he had no reason to tell, so he wouldn’t. That was the end of that.

...He was such an idiot. How could he let this happen? Someone comes along and shows him the smallest signs that they care about him and he just latches on like a fucking parasite. That’s what he was. A disgusting parasite. The arms that had been clutched to his chest went to his face and then to tug at his hair, his body wrapping further into itself. He felt disgusted with himself. 

 

That same feeling he’d had earlier begun pulling at him, his stomach was twisting and he gulped back. He wriggled out of Dave’s grip as slowly and silently as he could, hoping not to wake him up as he ran around the house opening doors and trying to find the bathroom. Why had he not looked for it before? Fucking damn it. 

He kept swallowing nothing, barely breathing as he finally found the bathroom and locked the door behind him. 

He opened the toilet seat as fast as he could, but it was too late. He’d made a mess of the bathroom and of himself. Vomit covered his hands, sleeves and jeans and some of it was also on his face. A sick sense of relief that he’d expelled the food he’d eaten washed over him, along with much stronger feelings of dread, shame, and loathing. He was so disgusting. He was so, so disgusting. He looked around at the puke spilled on the floor and carpet. Fucking damn it, had he really eaten so much? He felt a cold clenching in his throat. He wanted to cry. Instead, he started pulling toilet paper and wiping himself off and throwing the disgusting mess into the toilet. His whole body was shaking. 

Then he heard the knocking. Soft but confident. Everything he was not. A knock was better than him. He wanted to scream but knew that if he opened his mouth he would start sobbing. 

“Karkles? Are you in there?” It was Dave. Of course, it was Dave, it was his fucking house. He had thrown up in Dave’s fucking house.“Karkat, what happened? Are you okay in there?” 

He didn’t reply. He couldn’t. He could barely move, wiping things and making a bigger mess. He was a wreck. 

“Karkat, please let me in.” The doorknob was jiggled and Karkat let out a broken whimper, covering his mouth with his arm. He turned slightly to his right and saw the mirror. He knew he couldn’t bear looking at himself in that moment, so he didn’t even try. 

“Karkat if you don’t reply or let me in I’ll have to go get the key.” Dave sighed, trying to open the door again. Karkat fell to his knees and started trying to wipe the floor, fixing things up somewhat before Dave let himself in. He couldn’t let him see what a mess he was. He would scare him off. How could anyone stand someone so broken? So fucked up. So fucked up. His therapist would probably stop treating him. He was a lost cause! He was. He was. He couldn’t breathe. 

He felt large hands wrap around his shoulders. “Karkat. Karkat, stop. Leave it. Karkat, listen to me. Leave it.” Karkat froze in place, letting his shaking hands hover over the floor. Dave eased him to stand up, everything was slow. 

“I’m going to take you to my room, okay? There’s a bathroom there. I want you to take a nice, long, warm shower. I’ll set some of my clothes out for you on my bed. It’s okay. Don’t worry about this. I’ll clean it up.” Karkat started shaking his head, not being able to look at Dave or form any coherent words. “Yes. You’ll shower, and I’ll clean this up. Don’t worry, I am not mad at you. I am not disgusted by you.” Karkat felt as Dave’s hand caressed his puke covered cheek. His hands were so big and so warm his chest felt tight. “Come here.” His slow, deep voice had already eased him to calm down, just a bit. As Dave wrapped a gentle arm around his waist and led him to his bedroom, Karkat wondered how many people would react this way. He was sure not many would. 

He was too out of it to notice much of his surroundings. Before he had really processed how he’d gotten there, he was in the bathroom alone. He peeled off his sweater and shirt, then his pants and underwear. He went to open the shower to realize Dave already had. The water was really warm, he noticed. He stepped into it and let the warmth spread through his skin and let it wash away as much of his shame as he could. 

 

Twenty minutes later, he found a black shirt and sweatpants. He put his underwear back on and then put Dave’s clothes on. They smelled like fabric softener. He still felt somewhat out of himself, so he looked around trying to ground himself. Dave had swords hanging on his walls. He had turntables in the corner of his room. He had a queen sized bed with poofy looking black covers and red cotton sheets and pillowcases. His bed was perfectly made. He wondered how soft the covers were, and sat down, feeling them. He let himself rest back, curling into himself. He wasn’t ready to come out yet. Wasn’t ready to face Dave and apologize. He’d probably assume Karkat had done it on purpose. He hadn’t! He was working hard on getting better. He… he really was. Right? 

He… he’d made such a mess of himself, and it was his own damn fault. 

 

After another twenty minutes, he heard Dave knock softly. He was knocking on the door of his own bedroom. He shouldn’t have to do that. Karkat shouldn’t be there. He shouldn’t be there. Why was he still there? Why hadn’t he bolted already?

“Karkat? You decent? I’m coming in.” He didn’t wait long before opening the door. He tilted his head and sighed when he saw Karkat. He was probably tired of him. He was probably hoping he had already gone. 

But. But he sat down next to him. He sat down next to him and began petting his hair.

“It’s okay Karkat, it’s all okay. I cleaned everything up. Can you tell me what happened?” His voice was so soft. As though Karkat were going to crack by a loud noise. He hated it. No. He loved it. He loved being treated with such tenderness, and he hated himself for it. He hid his face by facing the mattress instead. “Not now? Okay, why don’t you take a nap for a little while? When you wake up, I’ll make you something to eat and we can talk. Does that sound good?” Dave started caressing his hair, running his fingers through it. Karkat forced himself to nod. 

When he felt Dave’s hand leave his hair, he lifted his head. “But don’t leave. Please? Please don’t leave.” His face heated up with shame at his own request.

He saw Dave smile softly at him, and then he went to lay down on his bed, propping his back up on the headboard. He looked at Karkat expectantly. “Well? What are you waiting for? Come here.” Dave motioned for him to get closer, and Karkat slowly crawled on the bed to lay his head on Dave’s lap. His cheeks were on fire, his heart was beating rapidly. How would he be able to nap when Dave was so close and he was laying his head on his lap? 

He got his reply as Dave started running his fingers through his hair again. He’d already fallen asleep twice, but he somehow managed to go to sleep again. 

 

Strider was true to his word. When Karkat woke up again, his hair was still being caressed and he heard Dave humming. He listened to the tune for a while, wanting to recognize it. He’d never really been good at that. 

He wasn’t confused or scared when he woke up. He was completely aware of his surroundings and what had happened. It didn’t hit him like a truck, the way bad things always seemed to with him. 

He looked up at Dave, who looked down at him with a warm smile. “Well hello, Karkitten. My sleeping beauty.” Karkat groaned softly in reply, a small smile playing on his cheeks. “Karkles, can you tell me what happened now?” He caressed a curl away from his face with his thumb.

“I… I honestly don’t really- Know? I’m sorry. It didn’t happen on purpose! I- I promise. At least. I think it didn’t? No. I’m sure it didn’t. I just… felt bad and- before I knew I felt really nauseous and had a hard time finding the bathroom and I’m so sorry I made such a mess!” He looked up at Dave, pleading. 

He shook his head. “It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. I’m not mad at you, I promise. Do you feel better now?” Karkat nodded slowly. “Good. That’s good, I’m glad. Now, let’s get some food into you.” 

“...N-no,” Karkat said meekly. 

“Why not?” Dave asked, concerned. 

“I… I don’t want to. I already ate a lot and-” He shook his head. 

“Karkles, you threw up. You need to eat something. I promise it’ll be something light. No meat or cheese or anything like that right now, but I need you to eat. Okay? Can you? Please?” 

Karkat nodded reluctantly. “Fine, you prick.” Dave, the fucking idiot, smiled. 

“Come on. I’ll make you a salad.”

____

That day, Karkat slept on Dave’s bed and Dave slept on the couch. He assured him that it was okay, and it was what he wanted, and he’d crashed on the couch after work many times before anyways. He’d convinced him to stay, saying he didn’t want him alone after what had happened. Karkat protested, profusely. Even though he didn’t want to be alone either. 

He slept better than he had in a long while, the smell of Dave surrounding him. Dave was safe. Dave was good. Dave wouldn’t hurt him. So he was safe. He slept, feeling safe. 

He woke up and checked his phone, which Dave had plugged in and set on the nightstand next to him. It was 9 am. Earlier than he’d woken up in… a long while. He got up and walked out of the bedroom, finding his host rubbing his face, which still looked sleep-puffy, in the kitchen. He looked absolutely adorable. He wanted to kick himself for thinking that. 

“G’morning lion,” Dave grinned sleepily.

“Lion?” Karkat yawned, resting against the threshold. 

“Your hair looks like a giant lion mane. Your horns aren’t even visible.” 

“Fucking ass.” He rolled his eyes. 

“Later, handsome.” Dave winked and Karkat started choking on his own spit, his cheeks cherry red. Dave was chuckling as he walked over and pat his back to help him breathe again. “Come on, I’ll make you breakfast. Do you have work today?” He said once Karkat could breathe again. The troll shook his head no. “I was hoping you’d say that. We need some fun in our lives, pronto. I’m taking you to that theme park today. I know you’ve already been on a rollercoaster of emotions, I know- I know going to a theme park doesn’t fix anything. But, I know you’ve probably been dwelling on what happened, and you really need to relax a little. Just have some fun. So, let’s go.”

“Today?” Karkat parroted, feeling too asleep to form a proper sentence or really process what Dave had said. 

“Yep. I already washed your stuff last night, it's in the bathroom. If you're okay with wearing that again, of course. Or would you rather go back to your place?” 

Karkat shrugged. 

“Great! Go get your stuff and I’ll show you where the washer is.”

Karkat dragged himself away, back to Dave’s bedroom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read this! And thank you to everyone who has left a comment/kudos, they really keep me motivated.  
> Thank you for your patience, I really hope this chapter is worth it. I am quite proud of it, and I think it might be twice as long as some of my other chapters.  
> Also, should I put a trigger warning for Karkat's scene in the notes before the chapter? I wasn't entirely sure, and I didn't know what to write without spoilers.


	10. Rides and The Sunset.

 

> _“And now I see, I see it for the first time, there is no crime in being kind. Not everyone is out to screw you over. Maybe, oh just maybe they just wanna get to know you._
> 
> _Now the time is here, baby you don't have to live your life in fear.”_ [ _(X)_ ](https://youtu.be/LXEenWnu4ag)
> 
>  

He has been touching Karkat Vantas. He has held him. The troll has slept in his lap. And he knows. He knows it means nothing to Karkat. He knows for him it’s just some sort of emotional comfort. For him, it’s part of his process to get better. That’s great! It is. For him.

But every time he touches Karkat Vantas he feels like his lungs are collapsing, catching fire, maybe,  and he forgets how to breathe. He feels like the whole world is in slow motion and his whole body has been reduced to one sense: _touch_ . He had never known something as simple as _touch_ could be so addictive. He never knew it could be this way. Now, he doesn’t know how to control it.

He wants to understand what is happening. Because he doesn’t have a clue. He wants to call Rose and ask her to explain, but he’s too prideful... and too busy. He will have a great day with Karkat, and this little thing bubbling inside his chest will not stop him. So, he decides to put off texting or calling her. He will do it, but once it’s gotten worse. He knows it will get worse.

What is wrong with him? Why does he ache so badly to get to know the poor kid? He just wants to understand him. He doesn’t know why he wants to understand him. Now, on top of that, he wants to _touch him?_

 _You should be disgusted with yourself._ A voice in his head spat. He gulped back and pushed it away, shoving it deep into his mind. He would deal with that voice later.

Maybe it was a romance thing.

No, not possible. Not for him. He’d never felt that way for anyone in his life, so, he knows. He knows love is not for him. He knows he will always be a lonely creature. Even if he tried to change that, he wouldn’t be able to.

Could he?

What a good joke, to even consider it.

He curled his hands into tight fists and took a deep breath, shaking the thoughts off. He turned to look at Karkat, who sat waiting under the shade of a tree as Dave bought the tickets for the park. The troll was fanning his face with his hand, the tips of his ears and his cheeks bright red. He wasn’t wearing his sweater, and Dave could see his arms were a little thicker. Barely, but they were. Dave looked away and down, smiling to himself over that little fact. He was helping Karkat. He was doing good. He was good... Right?

When the man behind the glass finally gave him his tickets, he swiftly leaped over a short fence and trotted up to Karkat. He sat down next to him, extending his legs and crossing one over the other. He handed him his ticket, looking up at the sun through the branches of the tree and his extremely useful shades.

“Are we ready?” he asked, looking back down and at him.

Karkat took a deep breath and nodded slowly, looking at the entrance and bouncing his leg.

“Karkat, before we go in,” Dave stopped him when he began to get up. “No lies today. Deal?” It took enough effort out of Dave to suggest it. He didn’t know why he wanted it. He didn’t know why he felt like he needed it. He probably never should’ve said a thing.

Karkat’s face turned an ashen shade of gray.

“What the fuck do you mean by that, you fucking asshole,” Karkat spat back.

“You know what I mean. I promise no lies if you promise the same.” Dave forced himself to sit back comfortably, to rest his arms out to his sides, to make his posture more open. When had his body gotten so stiff?

Karkat, on the other hand, seemed to shrink into himself when he crossed his arms tightly over his chest. He hesitated for a long while before grumbling “Fine.”

 

Dave felt his heart beat louder in his chest before he stood and walked over to the entrance, Karkat close behind him.

“Where to first?” he said when they were past the door and walking side by side. Their previous conversation in both of their minds, neither of them would speak of it for the rest of the day. Dave was already scared shitless, and not of the rides.

“I have no fucking clue, Strider.” He turned to look up at him, cringing at the sunlight.

“C’mon, let’s look at a map and prepare a kick ass hit list.” He patted his back twice and pointed to a giant map at the side of the path, heading towards it.

They spent the next ten minutes deciding what looked most attractive, where they wanted to go, and in what order. Dave was relieved to see Karkat appeared genuinely excited about it. They both needed and deserved a break from the shit storm in their respective heads, and Dave hoped this would do the trick. Adrenaline wasn’t always his friend, but he would make it work. He would have fun. He was adamant.

 

The first thing on their list was the biggest and scariest looking ride. Dave knew it would be the first thing his friends would make him ride, and he was not prepared to shit his pants in front of them.

“I can’t believe we’re fucking doing this,” Karkat said, shaking his head. “Fucking damn it, Dave." 

Dave smirked at him and rested his elbows back against the rails of the waiting line. “You know you’ll love it, Karkitten.” He was rewarded with a frustrated groan and some angry sounds, he couldn’t help but chuckle. “Are you getting cold feet?”

“Fuck no. If you’re doing this I’m doing this,” he stated, even as the line in front of them begun moving.

“Want me to hold your hand so you don’t get scared KitKat?” He leaned forward and pouted exaggeratedly, knowing if he got Karkat pissed enough he wouldn’t even consider chickening out.

“Fuck YOU!” he screamed, stepping forward when the line began to move rather quickly.

“Karkitty, please. We’re in public.” Dave covered his mouth with his hand and tilted his head to a side.

“Oh, my FUCKING- You like one of those shitstains they call characters in soaps on TV. You’re a fucking soap character.”

“Hey I am not a soap character, I am my very own unique person, thank you very much.” Before Karkat could say anything else, Dave plowed on. “If I was, though, I would be one of the villain women in Spanish soaps. They’re always so fancy looking and have all the money.”

Karkat burst into laughter and they settled into smaller lines for each cart of the ride. “You’re kidding, right? You watch soaps? And you dared insult my rom coms?”

“Of course not! I don't watch Soaps! ...Well, there was this one. But just one! I don’t want to talk about it.” He flipped imaginary hair off his shoulder and crossed his arms over his chest. Karkat was grinning.

The gate in front of them creaked open and they sat together in one of the carts of the biggest ride in the park. The scariest looking one. They should’ve probably started off small. They should’ve started in one they let smaller kids in, instead of one where they warned pregnant women and people with heart diseases not to go on.

Dave turned to see Karkat’s chest rising and falling quickly. A woman ordered them to buckle their seatbelts in and then pulled down a metallic bar that pressed them down. Smaller metallic bars pressed down the large one that squeezed their thighs, right in the space between their legs and where the plastic met with the metal bar.

Why had they decided to do it? Why had they decided to go there? It was such a beautiful sunny day, why had they decided it was a good idea to risk their lives in these death machines?

“Kid, are you even listening to me?” The woman was still standing next to him. “You should take off your glasses. If you lose them, the park won’t take any responsibility. They look expensive.”

Dave shrugged. “It’s cool if they don’t, but the sun will kill my eyes if I take them off. Then, you won’t have a pair of sunglasses missing, you’ll have a bloody murder of a beautiful pair of eyes in your hands.”

The girl seemed mildly amused before walking away. After what seemed like a fucking year, with another metallic sound, the ridelurched forward. Dave’s grip was white-knuckled on the metal bar that crossed over them, and Karkat’s soft hand quickly grasped his wrist. Dave looked down at the hand and didn’t have time to process the strong grip before a small drop made him feel like his stomach had fallen through a trapdoor and out of his body.

Then, the little cars they were secured in started moving upwards. And it didn’t seem like they would stop anytime soon. It felt like they would never stop. They kept climbing upwards, and with every lurch of the ride he felt as though his heart would jump out of his body and take a swan dive off the side.

Dave turned around to see how high they were and was left breathless. He could see everything. He could see all the trees surrounding them, the whole park, some buildings in the distance… Everything. When he turned to tell Karkat to look, he saw the boy clenching his eyes shut and mumbling under his breath. He couldn’t help but smile.

“Karkles. Karkles, look!” Dave pointed behind him when Karkat opened his eyes. The troll turned to see and his jaw dropped. When they looked forward, they saw the beginning of the drop.

They both screamed on their way down.

Dave’s unimpressed resting bitch face was blown away as he screamed out with a mantra of _fuck fuck fuck fuck_ and the ride pulled them to all different directions.  It was over in a shorter amount of time then what it had taken them to ride up to the highest point of the roller coaster. As the metal bars began releasing them, Dave turned to fucking _grin_ at his friend. This was his new favorite place in the world. Fuck yes, he loved roller coasters. All the kicking feelings of adrenaline without the paralyzing fear that someone was actually going to kill you. Or, at least, beat the living shit out of you.

Karkat’s face was red as a cherry, and it was adorable. “That-,” he began.

“Let’s do it again,” Dave interrupted.

“Okay?!” They both ran off the ride and to get back in line.

 

If either of them had had normal childhoods, they would’ve known they were acting like children. But they didn’t know, so they didn’t care. They didn’t care they looked like children, grinning at one another and running again to get in the line of the same ride they’d just gone on. They didn’t care they got odd looks from people that were the same age as they were. They didn’t give two flying fucks about what anyone else thought of them, and it was one of the best, most genuine moments in both of their lives.

 

When they finally decided they’d had enough of the long ass line of the first ride they continued on to walking through the park. Dave was very glad he’d brought his running shoes instead of his converse, he had a feeling he’d be doing a lot of walking.

“Okay. Okay, that one next!” Karkat pointed to a sign above another entrance after a few minutes.

Dave nodded with a slight smirk and they headed to the line. They might have run a little. Just a little. Enough to leave Karkat panting. They were, without a doubt, acting like children. Dave didn’t give a shit.

“I am definitely coming here with John and the squad.”

“You’re kidding right?”

“What?”

“You call your friends ‘the squad’?” His voice had a teasing tone to it.

“Yes, it’s a cool dude thing. An irony thing. So cool and ironic you would never comprehend the lengths of my cool and ironic speech.”

“Okay, fucking fine, I’ll forgive you for that completely disgusting meme if you bring me with you.”

Dave pretended to hesitate and think about it. He already knew Rose was probably going to take Kanaya, he doubted his friends would mind Karkat tagging along.

He sighed dramatically. “If that will get you to forgive me for being a trashcan ironic memer, then I suppose you can come too. It will be a terrible sacrifice I must make for your forgiveness.” He was smiling again.

Karkat didn’t even try to hide his grin with a scowl, and it made Dave’s heart do stupid things that made him want to cut it out of his chest and throw it into the trashcan. What the _fuck_ was that?

 

Once they had gone on the ride Karkat suggested twice they continued to walk down the path. Their thought-out plan was completely forgotten as they looked around to see what they found most interesting and what looked or sounded most attractive.

 

The next ride they both agreed on shot straight up and then fell back down. They saw people’s dangling feet from below, and the ride went high above. They had to go on it. It was another one that looked like it could have a very long line. Luckily, they got there when the line was fairly short, giving them no time to back down. Dave didn’t even need to egg Karkat on before they climbed onto the seats and were tightly secured. Again, Karkat’s hand went to Dave’s wrist as a default. Dave didn’t mind it one bit. He liked it, a lot. Maybe too much. It almost kept him distracted when they first launched into the sky. It didn’t, though.

Dave didn’t scream on that ride. Choked sounds of surprise made their way out of his mouth instead. Karkat, on the other hand, loved screaming. He probably liked it more than the ride itself, the liberty to scream as loud as his body allowed him to. Best of all, nobody thought it was weird or inappropriate, or would tell him to stop. It was good. It was probably cathartic for the troll.

The ride came to a stop when they were at the highest point. Not even for a few seconds, but long enough so Dave could look around. He wasn’t afraid. He felt the strings of fear that kept him constantly choked melt away. (Not even for a few seconds.)

The ride dropped again and he turned to look at Karkat, smiling softly. He could hear his own heartbeat and Karkat’s piercing screams.

 

Halfway through the day, Karkat started complaining about being exhausted and his feet hurting. He started whining about wanting to leave already.

“It’s like I’m lugging my body around,” He’d mumbled at some point.

“Fucking fine. Come on.” Dave crouched down in front of Karkat. “Stop whining and climb on, I’ll carry you.”

“What the fuck, Strider? I’m not climbing on your back! Are you even more fucking insane than I thought you were? I’m going to break you in half!”

Dave stood back up, facing Karkat. “I am in shape. I am not tired yet. So, don’t worry. Really, Karkles. I can carry you. For a little while, if you want, and then you can walk again when you’re less tired. We should get something to eat too, that’s probably partly why you’re so exhausted. Come on, hop on.” He turned around and crouched down again, so Karkat could reach his back.

“I’m not doing this you fucking asshole.” Karkat crossed his arms over his chest.

“Fine, then I’ll carry you over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes.” Dave didn’t move.

He felt Karkat climb hesitant and awkwardly onto his back and took a hold of his legs. Once he felt the troll’s arms wrap instinctively around his shoulders, he stood back up. He turned his head slightly to a side, to see Karkat as much as he could.

The weight of the small, thin body against his own made it hard to breathe. Karkat’s head was next to his own, his soft hair tickling his ear. He was reminded of running his fingers through those messy curls. He swallowed before he kept walking.

“Do we really have to eat here?” Karkat’s voice was smaller in his ear. “Everything is covered in fat and grease.”

“It’s okay, Karkles. You don’t have to get something very greasy, we can find you something healthier. As long as you eat. Okay?” Dave held tightly onto his legs and kept walking, looking for a place to eat.

Karkat was right, though. Everything was covered in grease and made Karkat cringe. So he waited as Karkat reluctantly ordered a big salad and small chicken wings, and Dave asked for a couple of slices of pizza for himself.

They sat together in a retro looking restaurant, music playing near them. Dave felt as though the whole place was vibrating with happiness and excitement.

“Thank you for coming here with me, Karkat.” He looked up at Karkat, who was pulling his chicken apart with his thin fingers.

“I’m having fun.” Karkat shrugged, looking up from his food and putting a piece of chicken in his mouth. Something Dave had never seen him do before, eat with his hands.

“Really, though. I’m glad we came. I’ve had more fun than I had in a very long while.” Dave shrugged, feeling his face heat. He’d also smiled more than he had in a long, long time.

“Yeah… me too.”

“This place kicks ass. Heights kick ass. I know there are people that are afraid of heights. What’s it called acrophobia? So, if I love heights does that make me acrophilic?”

“Dave, that’s spiders. Would that be loving spiders? Damn it, that’s disgusting. And that’s Vriska’s thing, so it’s already taken.”

“No, bro, that’s arachnophobia. So it’d be Arachnophilia?” He shivered. 

“Yes, that shit is disgusting. Who’s Vriska?”

“A friend who loves spiders.” He waved the question off.

“How can anyone love spiders? With those long legs and tiny bodies and the way they walk-”

“Are you talking about yourself or spiders, Strider? Long legs and tiny bodies, sounds like you’re describing yourself.”

“Oh, you asshole. If anything, I’d be a bird. Birds are fucking cool. Spiders are gross.”

“Really? Then what bird would you be?” Karkat finished his chicken and salad, and he seemed to not have even thought of it. Dave smiled to himself but said nothing about it.

“I’d be a raven. Have you seen those little fuckers? They’re so cool and slick.”

Karkat laughed and played with the cap of a bottle of water he’d gotten. “If anything, you’d be an eagle. They look so cool from a side and when you see them face forward they look really awkward like you just caught them taking a shit.”

“Oh man, that’s disgusting. I’m eating, you dick.” He kicked him under the table, smiling. “Fine then, what animal would you be?”

“Ugh, I don’t know. Let me think.”

“I know. You’d be a crab.” Dave pointed towards him with the crust of his slice of pizza.

“Let me guess, because I’m crabby?” he grumbled. “How predictable.”

“No, because you have a stuffed crab you cuddle with.” 

Karkat’s cheeks immediately lit up like fireworks. Karkat kicked him under the table and Dave let out a choked laugh. “You fucking bulgemunching idiot shut the fuck up!”

“Aw, are you embarrassed Karkles? How adorable,” he teased, watching as Karkat grew frustrated.

“You’re a fucking prick, you know that?”

Dave shrugged. “Yes, you’ve mentioned it a couple of times. Come on, let’s go find another ride.”

He helped Karkat climb onto his back again, knowing the troll was still tired.

 

When they got in line for another ride half an hour later, they both hesitated. The ride turned upside down, and people kicked in the air. Things fell and hair dangled. They went in anyways. Luckily, they got the edge of the ride. Dave took a deep breath. Before he could think of regretting it, he took his sunglasses off. He really wasn’t prepared to lose them. He held them out to Karkat as the rest of the people started filing in, sitting down, and strapping themselves in. “Could you put them in the bin over there?” Dave said to the darkness of his eyelids.

“Holy shit you took them off. In public. It’s a Christmas miracle!” Karkat teased in his raspy voice.

“Fuck off Karkles, it’s the middle of summer,” Dave said, sounding amused. He felt Karkat walk past his legs and heard him as he buckled himself in once he’d come back.

When the ride began flipping them over like a pancake, everyone started screaming. With his eyes calmly closed, he let himself focus on the sensations. On the pull of the restraints, that kept him in place. The feeling of Karkat’s hand clutching onto his own for comfort. It was soft. His hand was so soft. How could anyone have such soft hands? He tried to concentrate on the sounds. The mechanical whirr of the ride. The screams of people having fun. Someone was laughing, somewhere. He knew it wasn’t Karkat, his laugh was different. Louder. He, in general, was loud. It was odd, for him to try to hide himself so much and being so loud at the same time. It worked, though. Hiding in his screams. Apparently, no one but him had gotten past the noise so far. Why had Karkat let his guard down for him? Why was Dave letting his guard down for Karkat?

The ridecame to a sudden halt, and he felt Karkat’s hand retreat from his own. When the spinning begun once again, he heard Karkat exclaim in outrage. As though he’d been personally offended by the fake out. He couldn’t help but smirk, even though he was holding on tightly to the ride himself.

When his weight was on his back again, he risked it. He tried opening his eyes, which immediately watered in pain because of the light, but the sharp blueness of the sky had been worth it. He closed them as soon as he’d opened them, wiping his eyes with the hand that was free from Karkat’s grip.

 

Dave kept carrying Karkat through the park and  they found a cotton candy stand. Dave hadn’t had cotton candy in _years_. He was excited to try some. He walked over to the man who was making them, ordered a blue one and sat Karkat down on a nearby bench to pay him. He walked back to the man and took his cotton candy, then back to where Karkat sat. He relished in the flavor of sugar and the way it felt as it melted in his mouth.

“G-Gimme some,” said Karkat, reaching out and tearing out a piece. He slowly put it in his mouth and closed his eyes, looking as ecstatic as Dave felt.

“How long had it been since you’d had one of these bad boys?”

“Fuck, years.” Karkat shrugged.  

“They’re like clouds of delicious sugar and colorant. Yes, I love the flavor of colorant number six.”

Karkat snorted. “Shut up, you nooksniffing idiot.” He took another strand of the candy and put it in his mouth, his tongue was already tinted blue.

 

Once they’d finished their cotton candy, Dave carried Karkat to the last ride he wanted to try. The sky was starting to turn a pale pink and lilac and the park was closing soon. The ride was called Sky Screamer, and Dave didn’t really look at it before getting in line. He’d just been attracted to it because of the name. He had enjoyed every time he could look over the whole park right before a giant drop, 'he guessed the one they were waiting for was no different. He set Karkat down next to him and then sat down on the floor, arching his back and moving the muscles on it. Carrying a troll around a theme park was quite a workout.

“I almost forgot!” Karkat blurted suddenly. “I’d really like to try some carnival games. You know, the shooting water at a circle shit.”

Dave shrugged. “Y’know those are always rigged, right?”

“Yeah, but they’re cool  and I’ve never tried one.”

“We can try if you really want to.” Dave stood up and walked as the line began moving, Karkat followed suit.

When they got to the end of the line, Dave was surprised to see the ride. He hadn’t really been paying attention, and now that he was up close… it looked like a huge swing set.

Dave walked inside with Karkat trailing behind him, he sat down in one of the swings looking things, and Karkat sat down in the space next to him. He strapped the seatbelt around himself and connected the metal bar. The ride didn’t feel nearly as secure as the other ones had.

“Is this supposed to keep me from falling and cracking my head open in the concrete?” Karkat wondered aloud, jiggling the loose metal bar. Before they could regret their choices, a man ran past them and quickly made sure they were strapped in. He gave someone a thumbs up and a peppy voice gave them instructions.

Then, the ride started. It really was a gigantic swing set. The name Sky Screamer was severely mistaken. It was more like… Sky Swing. Definitely. It was… a stupidly romantic ride. The sun was setting and he could feel his palms sweating. Both him and Karkat were silent as they took in the view. They felt the wind in their hair and face. Their clothes fluttered against their skins. Karkat was still holding Dave’s hand, even if the ride wasn’t scary. Karkat didn’t let go. Dave turned to look down at their laced fingers, swallowing his emotions back.

His emotions. He was feeling things. He was feeling things and they weren’t fear. He felt joy. He felt nervousness. He felt… a mess. If each emotion was a color he was feeling a fucking rainbow. It was too much. Or, it would have been too much. If he wasn’t high above, in the sky. Taking in the setting sun, with a hand wrapped around his. He had never been so happy, calm and anxious at the same time. Karkat had done this to him. He had no idea what it was, but he didn’t want it to end. If each emotion was a color, he would be the setting sun. It was beautiful.

Maybe... maybe it _was_ a romantic thing. Maybe. Maybe he’d finally be able to say the L word some day and even mean it. Maybe he would finally feel it. Something else crawled into him and settled deep within his chest, a sense of uneasiness that formed a knot there and refused to go away.

It was stupid to be dreaming of feeling something for someone again. It was so, _so stupid._

 

“Come on, Karkles.” Dave was dragging him along to the carnival games before the place closed. He had decided they would leave the park with at least one shitty stuffed animal they’d won there. He would not leave before.

They both sat on a long, worn bench, holding water guns pointed to tiny circles. When a loud, high pitched bell rang water shot out and the horses that marked the winner began moving. Karkat looked so concentrated Dave thought he could be playing a chess game. Another high pitched ring and the man from the game smiled at Dave.

“Congrats, dude. You won one of these big guys.” He pointed to the biggest stuffed animals there. 

“Karkles, which one do you want?” Of course, he’d attempted to win for Karkat. If he was going to try to feel something more for him, he had to start fighting his instincts of pulling away. So he attempted something he’d seen on one of those corny movies Karkat loved so much. It wasn’t really that big of a deal, though. “I don’t do stuffed animals, so you get to keep it.” Really, that was all. It had nothing to do with anything else.

Karkat’s ears were tinted with pink. He was half smiling as he pointed to the gigantic tweety bird.

 

They headed out of the park with a bucket of popcorn and a gigantic tweety bird to Dave’s car. Karkat was smiling sleepily and giving his massive bird a piggy back ride, just like Dave had done to him for a large part of the day.

“Thank you for today,” Karkat mumbled as he shoved his stuffed animal into the back seat. “You insufferable prick,” he added.

Dave smirked. “You never fail to amuse me, Karkles. C’mon, I’ll get you home before my shift at work.”

“You have to go to work?” Karkat seemed absolutely stunned.

“Yeah, I start at eleven and get off at four.” He shrugged. “It’s a pretty good gig, and the place is cool. Not as cool as I am, though.”

“How do you even get up in the mornings?”

“I don’t, I get up in the late afternoons,” Dave said with a smile, turning on his car.

They weren’t even out of the park and Karkat was already knocked out.

 

When Dave got to Karkat’s place he woke him up. “I’ll walk you upstairs to make sure you don’t pass out on the railing,” he teased. He loved teasing Karkat, just as Karkat loved teasing him.

“Shut up you fucking asshole,” he groaned tiredly.

Once Dave had made sure Karkat was in his apartment and he was okay, he headed out. He was smiling to himself. 

Then, he was terrified. Of Karkat. Of whatever feelings were crawling inside his body and head. He needed to process. He needed to take in whatever was happening inside him. He wanted to understand. He didn’t stand a chance against his own mind on a new war he’d never given himself a fighting chance in. Was he capable of love? Or, would he just destroy everything he touched, just like his brother?

____

A couple of weeks later he had already taken Karkat to the park again, this time with the rest of his friends. All of them seemed to like him pretty well, especially John. He kept grinning at the troll and asking him questions, to which Karkat often responded with rude comments with a very colorful vocabulary. 

He had been making Karkat dinner more and more often. Somehow they’d ended up eating at his house every day, and the troll had started helping him cook. ]

Life had settled into a wonderful blur of routine, and he was happy. There was something that kept bothering him, though. His heart. His heart and his skin. He ached to hold Karkat, all the time. He ached to be in the troll’s arms, or for the small grumpy guy to be in his. He had finally let himself picture him in his arms when he tried to sleep, instead of humming in his head and trying to picture anything else, like he had before. 

He had even dreamt about him once. It was his first dream that wasn’t a nightmare or wasn’t really freaking weird in a very long time. It was slow and corny, and it involved Karkat kissing him. He felt pathetic when he woke up. 

There was no running from it anymore. He’d fallen for Karkat. At first, when he’d finally realized this, he had sat stunned for a long time. Trying to figure out _how_ . _WHEN_? 

He had been thinking about it, about falling for someone. But he’d thought about it before, he’d fantasized about loving and being loved before, and had pictured himself in love with his friend Jade. It had never happened, though. He’d never been able to let her close enough for him to feel something like that for her. So of course, he thought about what it would be like... but he never truly wanted to know.

Well, he had. He really, really had. But now that he did, he wanted to take that wish back. He wanted to unring that bell, to put the cork back in that bottle. It had been a very fucking stupid dream. Now he was stuck with all these feelings he did not know what to do with.

So, he went out running more. He wasted all his pent up energy in running, making himself pour sweat, and his muscles ache to the core. 

After being numb for a long while, he was terrified of feelings. He knew he would never be able to outrun them, but he could try.

But every time he saw Karkat his heart did stupid things. He thanked god for his shades, afraid the troll would figure it out. He never did. Dave kind of wish he did. He wanted Karkat to know, and he wanted to know what Karkat felt. He was being the pathetic needy teenager he’d never let himself be, and he did not know how to deal with it.

He wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t let these emotions linger. He physically _could not_ make himself that vulnerable, bare himself that way for anyone. He had to crush those feelings and burn them away. 

____

He was going to tell him. He needed to tell him. Every day he spent without telling him it grew bigger and bigger inside him, like a parasite. It was all he could think of and he felt like an idiot. So what if Karkat crushed him? So fucking what?

So, he would be crushed like a bug. His heart would be stepped on and spit out and he would lose... who he now considered his best friend.

He couldn’t. He had to. He had to, it was necessary. It was vital.

 

He tried many, many times. He tried during dinner when they were talking about dumb things. He tried when they were watching stupid movies. He tried when he showed Karkat some of his mixes. He tried when he revealed to Karkat his guitar but refused to play for him. He tried when he ignored Karkat's constant requests to see his eyes because they'd made a deal. He tried when Karkat had fallen asleep on his lap, just to get it off his chest. 

He had sat with his mouth hanging open staring at Karkat and trying to get the words out for ten minutes.

  
Until one Friday he found himself driving to Karkat’s place in the pouring rain before his shift at work, knowing he would not chicken out that time. He was going to tell him. Nothing would stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I really hoped you enjoyed it!  
> Thank you so much to everyone who has left a comment or kudos, really, THANK YOU.  
> The park is based off the only one I remember because it’s the one I’ve gone to most, Six Flags in Mexico City. The first ride they go on is called Superman, the second one is La Medusa (Not that it really matters), the third one is Kilauea, Fourth one is Huracan, fifth one the name is in the fic. So, yes. It’s a really cool park.  
> Also, I swear, Marina and the Diamonds is always perfect for Dave Strider, that boy. 
> 
> I really hope this doesn't feel too ooc, I've been trying my best to keep them in character but at the same time work with the AU and how it would've changed them.


	11. A Phone Call and a Stinging Hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning.

> “ Nobody's gonna love you if you can't display a way to capture this. Nobody's gonna hold your hand and guide you through. No, it's up for you to understand. Nobody's gonna feel your pain when all is done and it's time for you to walk away. So when you have today, you should say all that you have to say.” [(x)](https://youtu.be/rge0nvzjIKk)

 

Karkat was roused from a nap when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out with a groan and picked up, it was probably just Dave Strider. The douche was the only one who preferred calling him over texting. He didn’t bother sitting up, he just stretched like a cat on his bed before picking up. 

“What.” His voice sounded as tired, raspy, and as done with his shit as he felt. 

He heard a chuckle. “Did I wake you? You’re so lazy.” He had thought it would be Dave. He had expected Dave, but the voice that replied certainly wasn’t him. He shot up, his eyes wide and his heart thrumming against his ribcage painfully. It couldn’t be. Why would it be? “I see you still lack basic manners, though. It’s nice to know some things never change.”

“What the fuck?” Was all he could manage. His voice sounded small and distant from him. _What the fuck. **What the FUCK.**_

“I hadn't heard from you in so long, and that’s all I get? A ‘What the fuck?’, Karkat? Really?” He heard a long sigh. The hands holding his phone to his ear were trembling. 

“You.  _ You  _ were the one who left. You have no fucking clue what it was like, waking up to that note. The place half empty, and all my money was gone. What- what the fuck is wrong with you!? You know, I used to miss you. Used to think about what I must’ve done wrong. What I fucked up so badly that you left. Why you didn't even bother to say goodbye! But now I know. I know I deserve better.” He hadn’t expected any of what he was going to say. He hadn’t planned it. He hadn’t even thought of it or considered it. Even so, it was there. His words, hanging in the air. His heart, rapidly beating in his chest in fear. 

Then he heard a derisive laugh, and pain added to the fear inside him. "You sure have gotten full of yourself, haven’t you? Does this new found confidence have anything to do with the guy I saw in your profile picture?” It sounded like he was about to continue, but Karkat interrupted. 

“You used me. You treated me like shit.” He couldn't let him brainwash him again. He was stronger now, he had to be. 

“No, darling. I didn’t, not really. I tried to help you, but you were always an ungrateful little brat. I wanted to get your fat ass healthier, but you were always a pig. Sneaking out of our bedroom in the middle of the night for something to eat? Pathetic. I tried to help you, I did. I wanted to make you better. It was your fault, really. It was you who made me mad. It was you who irritated me to that point where I couldn’t help but teach you a lesson. I know you must know, everything was your fault. It always was, every time you've been in pain, it was because you brought it onto yourself.”

Karkat could hear hi s own heavy breathing. He could feel the hot trails of tears burning down his cheeks, but he wasn't aware of when he’d started crying. He was pulling at the skin of his stomach, tugging and scratching. 

“Why are you calling?” he asked after a long hesitation. His voice was trembling beyond control. 

“Wanted to do you another favor. Teach you another lesson, if you will.” 

“I don’t want your fucking favor. I don’t want anything from you.” Half his body was tingling and horrible nausea made itself at home in the pit of his stomach. Anger at himself made his chest ache.

“Tch. If you didn’t, you would’ve hung up already.” Karkat wanted to hang up. He _really_ did, but his body was not at his command.  “You know you can’t lie to me Karkat. You are not a very complicated troll. I know all you really want is to be loved and accepted. It’s pitiful, though, really.” There was a pause, and he sounded completely relaxed as he went on. “It’s about your new friend. Yes, the one in all of your pictures everywhere. The one with blonde hair and sunglasses. I know him, I’ve seen him where he works. His name’s Dave, right? He works at a club I go to... and let me tell you. He’s just leading you on. He has a girlfriend. He would be disgusted if he found out you’re pining over him. Yes, I know your dirty little secret. I saw the pictures, how you look at him. How you stand closer than needed. You tend to keep your distance from others, but, with him? It looked like you were magnetically attracted to him. I felt pretty sorry for you when I saw that. I felt even more sorry for you when I saw him exchanging saliva with a very pretty blonde girl. He’s not even leading you on, is he? You’re just hung up on him like the pathetic needy grub you always were. You never had much pride, did you?  It's even amusing at times. ” 

By then, he was shaking. His head was even providing more comments on how he was right. A large part of him wanted to agree with him. Because he always was right. He was disgusting and pathetic. He was right, he always was. 

“Don’t you understand? No one could ever love you. Even if you lose weight. You’re still annoying, Karkat, no one can stand being in so long with you. I loved you, though, but you screwed that up . It’s what you always do. You fuck everything up.” He heard a sigh. “Hey, at least, I had fun watching you oink like a pig. Remember that?” 

Karkat had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep himself from sobbing into the phone. 

“Well, there’s my advice. Have a fun life, or, whatever. Maybe one day you will get thinner and quieter and you'll earn my love again. Even if you’ll never have anyone to love you other than me, you should keep your hopes up on that. You'll always be mine, even if we aren't together anymore, just because I loved you. Won't you be? Well, maybe, if you're good enough I'll call you in a few months. Don't hold your breath, though. I'll probably find someone better. Goodbye, Karkat.” 

He let his hand fall to his lap when he heard he’d hung up. He covered his face with his hands and broke into a wrecked pathetic sobbing. Because the bastard had used him and treated him like shit. And, even so, he was right. That was probably the best he could hope for because no one else would ever love him. Dave could have so much better. Anyone could have much better than him. He was so disgusting. 

He pulled on his hair and let his body shake with the waves of his cries. In the dark of his room, he cursed Dave for having talked him into ‘getting better’, more like getting fatter. More disgusting. Now he was never going to come back and he  _ needed him. _ It was all Strider’s fault. He’d made him hope. He’d made him believe he could have something better. 

 

When his body ran dry of tears he sat up and headed to the bathroom. He washed his face, avoiding the mirror. He went back to his room and he pulled on his big baggy sweater, hiding his body. He’d been wearing a tank top because of the heat, but he couldn’t bare see himself. He really was a pig. 

 

Then he headed to the fridge, ready to stuff his face with whatever he saw. He was a pig, after all. 

 

_ “Karkat, what are you doing?! I told you not to eat that! I told you it was mine!” The plate of chocolate cake was slapped out of his hand and fell onto the floor, shattering. _

_ Karkat winced at the sound and looked back up at him. “Wh-what the fuck?!” _

_ “Don’t provoke me, you little bastard!” he warned.  _

_ “I was going to eat that, you piece of shit!” and Karkat couldn’t stop his outburst.  _

_ He took a hold of Karkat’s hair tightly and pulled him down to the floor. He shoved his face into the slice of cake that had fallen on the ground.  _

_ “Go ahead then! Eat it, you pig! You know you want to.” He felt his foot on his back, holding him in place. “It doesn’t bother you, right? Anything for food, you fucking disgusting pig. I have an idea. Oink for me, and I’ll buy you a whole cake. Shove your face into that too.” He laughed, putting most of his weight on the foot that held Karkat down.  _

 

He choked back another sob, a knot firmly in place in his throat. He kept rummaging through the fridge, and he heard his door open and close. 

“KARKLES!” Dave’s voice was full of joy, and he hated him for that. He loathed him. “Karkles, we need to talk!” Karkat strode into his living room, where he saw Dave throw his leather jacket onto his couch with those confident easy moves of his body. He couldn't bare be in the same room as him. When the human saw him, he walked straight up to him.

“Dave-” He was interrupted by Dave’s arms being wrapped around his waist. The image of Dave slobbering all over another girl added to the image of his ex in his mind and his rage boiled over. He started pushing him off, swatting at him helplessly. He had never been strong, and they’d always played rough. Of course, Dave thought he was just doing that. “Dave get off!” He grumbled, but Dave held him tighter. “Get the fuck off, Strider!” He squirmed, swatting with his hands and pushing him away. He felt Dave slowly let go of his tight grip and hold him at arm's length. Karkat kept trying to shove him away. 

“Karkat what’s wro-” 

Karkat didn't  know why he did it. He didn't even know exactly how it happened. He just knew what he was looking at. 

And he was seeing Dave’s eyes. Without the protection of his sunglasses. They were bright red. That would have stunned him... if he wasn’t completely frozen in place by the look of utter despair in Dave Strider’s face. He didn't look like Dave Strider. He looked like a wounded animal. He looked like he was waiting for another slap, and Karkat’s hand still stung from the first. 

“Oh my fucking god,” Karkat blurts. “I’m sorry. I'm so sorry.” 

With that, Dave is shaken out of his state. His eyes turned hard, but the anguish didn't leave them. “Don’t,” was all he said. He leaned down and picked up his sunglasses. He reached over for his jacket and he headed for the door. 

“Dave wait! Please! Let me explain!” Karkat followed after him, reaching for his elbow.

Dave tugged his arm roughly, turned around with his shades back on. “Just, don’t.” He turned back towards the door, opened it, and shut it behind him with a loud wooden slam.

  
Karkat collapsed on his couch, feeling like he was just drained of every emotion but guilt. He sat there for what felt like hours, his hands wrapping around Dave's car keys. They'd fallen out of the pocket of his jacket, and he hadn't come back to get them. It was raining, and Dave had preferred walking to coming back for his keys and seeing Karkat again. He had really messed up. 

He didn't sleep at night. Instead, he stared at the ceiling and blinked at it, hoping Dave would call him. Knowing it was naive to even consider it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this. :)  
> Thank you, SO MUCH, to everyone who has commented and given Kudos.  
> Thank you for 200+ Kudos and 2000+ hits, it's really AMAZING.


	12. Pain and Rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning.

> _ “ Thread by thread I come apart. If brokenness is a work of art, surely this must be my masterpiece. I'm only honest when it rains. If I time it right, the thunder breaks when I open my mouth. I want to tell you but I don't know how. I'm only honest when it rains, an open book with a torn out page, and my ink's run out. I want to love you but I don't know how.”  [ (x) ](https://youtu.be/AiXsPp81qSQ) _

Dave Strider stood in front of his car and rummaged through his pockets for ten minutes before realizing he’d left his keys in Karkat’s apartment. At first, he considered going back for them and wasted another five minutes with his hand hovering above the buzzer with the last name Vantas written beside it. He couldn’t do it. He knew if he did it, they would have to talk. He couldn’t. He was terrified. Karkat hated him. He had wanted to spill his guts out and tell him how he felt... How he dreamt of holding him at night, kissing his soft plump lips, or, at least, holding his hand. But Karkat had seen his eyes, and he knew he must’ve seen everything he felt in them. He had seen no other option but to abscond the fuck out of there. He felt so stupid and humiliated. 

His cheek still stung from Karkat’s hand. It had shocked him and sent his mind spiraling back to Bro, but he really wasn’t mad at Karkat. Mostly, he was embarrassed and afraid. He was always afraid. He had stood there, shocked, terrified of getting a beat down. He had just stood there dumbfounded until Karkat’s voice snapped him back into reality. 

He couldn’t bare see him. Not that night. He’d have to walk to the bus stop, but that was okay. He could make it in time for work. Everything was fine. Even though it was pitch black and pouring down, he’d be fine. Everything was a-okay. He wasn’t having a panic attack or anything of the sort, and he would be perfectly fine. 

As he walked down the street he pictured Karkat running to catch up to him. He imagined the troll taking a hold of his elbow and pulling him back. He would apologize to Dave and Dave would admit his feelings. He would stare at Karkat’s rain-soaked face, how the drops fell from his thick, long lashes. He would caress the troll’s soft lips. Then they would kiss under the rain, and everything would be wonderful from there on out. It was a moment worthy of one of Karkat’s romcoms. 

But his life wasn’t a romcom. It was more like a series of cringe-worthy events, irony, and indie music playing in the background.

That would probably calm him. Music. He had been wearing the headphones he took to work around his neck, because when he left his home he hadn’t planned on going to Karkat’s. That was more of an irrational impulse he now regretted. He had no idea what had happened to the troll, he just knew it was really bad timing.  He pulled the headphones on and turned the music on. He pulled out his phone and chose a sad song. Ironically, of course. At least that’s what he told himself, if only for a few seconds where he tried to pretend he was the facade he showed everyone. Everyone except for Karkat Vantas. So, he’d let himself wallow in self-pity until he got to the bus stop, then he’d bottle it up and push everything into the amazing mess that was his subconscious mind.  

He tried to concentrate on the sensations around him. The feeling of concrete against his feet. The rain pounding on his back. The way his drenched clothes stuck to his skin. His muddled socks and how uncomfortable they felt. 

He tried to focus on the music, on the lyrics or the beat. To imagine what movie scene it would go perfectly in. What kind of photograph he would match up with the song.

His mind kept drifting back to Karkat. He couldn’t believe it. Karkat really looked like he hated Dave, and he couldn’t believe how he hadn’t seen it before. He had let himself fall for someone who completely hated his guts, and now he was walking in the rain with an ache in his heart. He wanted to cry but he hadn’t in so long, he couldn’t. He had spent so long bottling up and cataloging his feelings he had forgotten how to deal with them. So, he walked. 

He remembered the way Karkat’s hand felt in his. How soft his hair was. The sound of his laugh. Maybe it was a good thing that the troll hated him. How would he deal with reciprocation anyway? He’d probably freak out before he even got a chance to kiss him. He had never been very big on physical touch, it had always scared him shitless. Every time he had touched Karkat, he had begun it. After putting his mind away in a box and shipping it off to Australia for the day or mentally preparing himself. What if Karkat wanted him to spend the night? How would he deal with that? 

He sighed, remembering Karkat crying, laughing, smiling. How he looked when he was grumpy. He was always grumpy. It made him smile softly, despite the pain he felt inside him.

 

He was a block away from the bus stop when he felt it, something press to his back. Strong, rough hands gripped his shoulder. The headphones were yanked off his head and his mind went blank, muscle memory kicking in. 

He didn’t really process fights anymore, he hadn’t in years. He just let his body decide what the best course of action was.

In a matter of seconds, he had someone in a chokehold and something had fallen to the ground. Finally, he began processing things. It wasn’t Bro. The guy had a gun. The guy had dropped his gun and he had a chokehold on him. What was he doing? He felt a blinding pain that left him dazed. It wasn’t one man, it was two. He was being attacked by two guys and he didn’t have his sword. And he had a concussion. He had fought with concussions before. It was time to reevaluate his situation. What the fuck could he do? 

He staggered, his brain was muddling. He went down on his knees and he tried to grab the gun, but everything swam. He felt as though he was underwater. He felt a foot collide with his nose, and he heard his own scream distantly. 

“What do I do? What do I do?” He heard a voice. It was as though he was watching a movie that was playing in the living room while he was in the garden and looking through the window. 

“He saw your face! Just shoot him!” He felt the rain fall on his face, and the coolness of it was mixed with the warmth of the blood he felt seep out of his nose.

Dave tried to sit up, he was laying on the ground. He had to fight. He never went down without a fight. It had been the first thing his brother had taught him. No one would save him, he would have to save himself. 

“SHOOT HIM! JUST SHOOT HIM!” 

“I can't!” 

“GIVE ME THAT!” 

Dave didn’t scream that time. At least, he thought he didn’t. His ears were ringing, he couldn’t hear a thing anymore. He felt pain _ pain painpainpainpainpainPAINPAINPAINPAIN _ **_PAIN_ ** it was shooting through his body.

He had to do something. He had to do something, or he was going to die. He had to do something. He was dying. He couldn’t breathe. He used every fiber of his strength to look for his phone in his pocket, discovering it was gone. Of course, it was gone, he’d been robbed. Everything was gone. He’d been shot. He was dying. He would die, and no one was coming to save him.

He decided to do nothing. He closed his eyes and tried his best to go to sleep.

____

_ "Get up. Dave, get the fuck up, we're not done here yet."  _

_ Bro loomed above him, and he was having a hard time breathing. The shallow gashes on his skin told him his brother was going easy on him.  _

_ "DAVE, GET UP. Or, I swear, I will leave you here to let the crows get you." He kicked his ribs harshly. He kicked again. He kneeled down and pulled Dave up from the collar of his shirt, standing him. "Fight, you weak asshole." Bro rose his sword, but Dave was too tired. He was tired of everything. He didn't care anymore. He was tired of barely surviving. He was exhausted of fighting. He just wanted his brother to kill him already.  _

_ As if reading his mind, his brother picked him up by the collar of his shirt and dragged him to the edge of the building, leaning him back on the ledge. "FIGHT." He commanded, pushing him to be afraid of the fall. He wasn't afraid of the fall anymore. He wanted his brother to drop him. Bro pressed his sword to his neck, waiting for Dave to squirm or do something.  _

_ When he didn't move, bro pushed him to the ground roughly, the gravel bit into his skin. " _ _ Fine, if you don't want to fight, then don't fight." He stepped on the wrist that held the sword, putting all his weight on it. He yelped when he felt the horrible ache in his bones. He knew any other noise would result in another round. When his grip on the sword loosened, Bro took his sword. He walked to the door that led downstairs, went through it and closed it behind him.  _

_ Dave got up on wobbly legs and walked slowly to the door, jiggling the handle. Locked, of course. He sighed, sitting in the Texan summer sun. Maybe he would get a heatstroke and die. Wasn't that some wishful thinking? He thought of jumping off the ledge for the hundredth time that week.  _

_ But he was too afraid to jump. Too afraid to fight, too afraid to leave, too afraid to jump, too afraid to pull the trigger. He was pathetic.  _

____

Against all odds, he woke up. Dave Strider woke up to the sound of beeping machines and the feeling of plastic tubes in his nose. He noticed he wasn’t wearing his shades before he noticed he wasn’t wearing underwear. His whole body ached dully. He was probably on some kind of meds. 

He still had his eyes closed. He didn't see red, it was probably dark out. So he risked it, opened his eyes and took in his surroundings with one look around the room, and one ache in his heart. 

Why had he expected to see Karkat when he woke up? Was the slap he had received not enough? He should’ve known better by now. Karkat didn't feel the same way about him as he did. He was in pain, he was alone, and he thought it would've probably been better if he'd been left on the street to die. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this! (:  
> If you haven't checked out the song that's linked above, I really recommend you do. It's one of my favorite songs.   
> Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has left comment/kudos, they really keep me motivated to write. 
> 
> Feedback for the past two chapters would be great. I kind of do kind of don't have a beta reader so... yes. Here it is anyways.


	13. Spilled Milk and Dead Flowers.

> _ "’Сause you are loved. You are loved more than you know. I hereby pledge all of my days to prove it so. Though your heart is far too young to realize the unimaginable light you hold inside…”  _ [ _ (X) _ ](https://youtu.be/7egYKkIKqDs)

“Take a slow, deep breath. Good. Now imagine the air inside you is wrapping itself around all your negative emotions. All your anger, stress, sadness, everything is slowly seeping out of your body as you exhale.” 

The first time Karkat had gone to the therapist, he’d thought she was full of shit. The exercises she’d made him do had seemed ridiculous and pointless, but now he understood. He sat on the comfortable couch, pliant and lulled into a calm he had never thought he was capable of achieving. 

“Now slowly, when you’re ready, open your eyes.” 

He let himself hesitate for a while longer until he really did feel ready. A lot was weighing on his mind. When Dave didn’t show up to pick him up from work he considered not going to the therapist again, but after his relapse, he knew he needed it. It wasn’t easy to admit to himself that he needed help. He had to understand, to get it through his thick skull, that his boyf- his _ex-boyfriend,_ was lying. He always was. He had to… understand. He had to… heal? Damn, he felt like such an idiot for wanting to get better sometimes. Why did he need someone else? He could deal with his shit on his own. No, that was a lie. If he could, his therapist wouldn’t be warning him about a hospital visit because of his weight. He wouldn’t feel the need to call his ex and beg him to come back. 

 

He missed Dave. It had only been a couple of days, three at most, but he hadn’t heard a word from him. Not after he pestered him begging for forgiveness, or after he left him a voice mail on his cell, begging for forgiveness. Dave’s car was still parked in the same place it had been when he forgot his keys. Was he really that pissed at him? 

He couldn’t rely on just one person, though, not anymore. He had struggled enough to get this much better, losing one person wouldn’t knock him down. He wouldn’t let it. He would move on, this time, for himself.

___

He sat in front of a plate of scrambled eggs with small squares of ham. A freshly made apple juice clutched in his hand. A slice of toast with butter on the side of his plate. He could do this. He was going to do this. For himself. He didn’t need the approval of anyone. He didn’t need anyone to call him beautiful. He was hungry, and he was going to eat, damn it! He was going to eat without feeling guilty. He was going to force himself to be happy and healthy if he had to. He tried his best to choke down the knot in his throat, trying to blank out his mind or put himself in a better mindset. 

Later on, he smiled at an empty plate, a small accomplishment, it still made him proud of himself.

___

Milk, bread, toothpaste, toilet paper, and hand soap. Those were the things he was missing from his shopping list when he got the call. He was at the grocery store, trying his best to go on with his life and not let himself fall again. He felt his phone ring in his pocket and, after a quick check, he saw it was Rose Lalonde calling him. Dave’s friend, Kanaya’s girlfriend. 

“Yes, hello, what the fuck do you want?” he grumbled.

“Well, hello to you too Karkat. Your pleasantries always warm my heart. This is Rose, do you remember me?” 

“Of course, I remember you, you’re the goth chick with a psychoanalysis obsession." What the fuck do you want?”

“Well, I need to talk to you, for once. When was the last time you talked to our mutual friend.” 

“Dave? Like a week ago, we had a fight and I’ve tried calling him but he hasn’t picked up. I think the asshole has finally gotten tired of me, why?” He opened one of the gigantic fridges and pulled out a gallon of milk. 

“You’d be incorrect Karkat, he hasn’t grown tired of you. He’s alright, but he’s in the hospital. He asked me not to tell anyone, but I think you should go, Karkat. I had never seen him this way, and he is truly worrying me. I don’t know the nature of your relationship with him, but I know you both care about one another. I don’t know what happened, why Dave has convinced himself he is better off keeping this quiet, but he needs support. I didn’t tell John and Jade but I had to tell you, at least.”

Karkat was frozen in spot, his heart throbbing in his chest. His breathing was quick and shallow as he stood in a puddle of milk, his hands clutching his phone tighter to his ear. As though that would let him pass through it. He felt as though he'd just been chewed up and spit out on the street. “What happened to him?” 

“He was shot. He will be in the hospital for a couple of weeks,” her voice sounded strained.

“Where is he?!” he demanded. 

“I’ll text you the address.” He hung up when she said it and ran for the exit, leaving everything behind. His hands and feet were so cold he couldn't feel them. His chest was burning so much it made his eyes water. He didn't stop. 

 

The bus ride was painfully long and frustrating. He was jittery and just wanted to scream at everyone. He couldn’t believe it. Dave had always seemed… invincible. Invulnerable. Nothing could knock Dave Strider down, right? At least, that’s the impression he’d gotten of him. He sat on his hands to stop them from shaking. How could this have happened? Why had that happened to him? Why? Sure, he was an asshole, but what could he have done to deserve that? Nothing. That was what. Dave hadn’t done anything wrong to deserve what he’d gotten. 

And neither had Karkat. He felt the breath escape his lungs as the thoughts dawned in. He realized that, despite everything, in that moment, he believed it. What had happened to him was not his fault, and he did not deserve it. He felt a weight inside him begin to dissipate, he felt the twist in his expression recede. The weariness in his bones left him. His worry bubbled closer to the surface. 

 

He checked his phone outside the hospital again, looked at the room number again and walked straight up to a desk, asking for Dave. He tried his best not to be too loud to get himself kicked out, but he was buzzing with energy. He-

Dave had helped him. He had been in a rut, in a vicious cycle of self-hate he could not get out of. Dave had dragged him out of there kicking and screaming. All the times he drove him to the therapist. All those times he made him eat and cooked for him. His annoying patience that drove him insane. How could the bastard do it? It didn’t matter. What mattered was that Karkat would help him. Karkat would be that support Dave was for him. 

 

The smell of hospital was sickening and it felt as though it were clinging to his skin. He stood a few feet away from the closed wooden door. He was afraid Dave would see him through the window, what would his reaction be? Karkat understood his calm and impassive expression was just a facade, so, would he still act that way? He took a deep breath and held it inside him, taking a hold of the doorknob and twisting it. He pushed the door open with a creak. 

When he looked up, he found himself staring at Dave Strider’s back. His skin was covered in scars, lines of many different colors than his skin, dips and bulges on the pale muscles. He looked like a broken doll that had been hastily sewn back together. 

He understood. The swords in his apartment. Why Dave wore long sleeves even when it was hot. The way he stood, bravely waiting for another slap. For more pain. It was probably practiced, just like most of his attitude. 

“Karkat. What are you doing here?” He sounded bored. Mildly annoyed, maybe. He looked up at his face and noticed his glasses were gone, so he was squinting against the light. The fear in his eyes and the tremble in his hands betrayed his voice.  He flinched when he moved, but he turned so his back would face the head of the bed and pulled the sheets up over his chest. Before he could cover himself up, though, Karkat had a glimpse of the skin of his chest. It was etched in muscle, just like his back, but the scars tracing his body caught all his attention.

“I wanted to see you. What happened?” Karkat took another step into the room. 

“I really have to finish bathing you, Dave.” The nurse said in a soft voice. 

“Could you… wait outside? Karkat?” Dave looked down, avoiding eye contact with Karkat as much as he could. 

“He could just sit on the other side of the room, I’ll pull the curtains closed.” 

Before Dave had a chance to protest he quickly walked to the other side of the room, and sat next to the empty bed. 

 

The three sat in uncomfortable silence for a long while, until the nurse spoke up again. “That’s it! We’re done! Let me help you back into your robe. There it is, yes.” Karkat could only imagine what was happening behind the curtain, but he was afraid to even do that. To picture Dave in his head the way he’d seen him moments before was terrifying. So vulnerable, he looked as though he’d been scratched raw and someone was poking at his wounds and smiling.  Karkat stared a potted plant that was all dried out, wondering how Dave must feel. After trying so hard to hide his emotions and his vulnerability, one single event had brought him crashing down. At least, that's what Karkat could see in his face. Maybe he was wrong, though. Maybe he was just imagining things, or seeing them in his own head. 

He stared at the plastified curtains for a few moments before they were pulled open and Dave was sitting back in bed, his eyes squeezed shut and his head pushed back.

“Well, you’ll call me if you need me. If not, I’ll bring you dinner in a few hours,” she promised, walking out of the room. 

Karkat carried his chair and sat next to Dave, who still sat there with his eyes closed. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Karkat sighed, exasperated. 

Dave looked uncomfortable, but he had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and Karkat wasn’t letting this go. 

“I thought you hated me, why would I have told you?” He finally opened his eyes and looked in the general area where he was The emotion in them scared Karkat, but he wouldn’t back down.

“Because I don’t hate you, you piece of shit! Fucking damn it, I’m sorry about what happened at my place. Okay? I really don’t hate you, you just arrived at a really bad moment.” He sighed and slumped his shoulders.

“Why?” Dave tried his best to diverge the attention away from himself, Karkat knew that. He owed him an explanation, though.   
“He… my ex. He called me. He said all these really fucked up things, and it just left me feeling horrible. Just… disgusting.” He shivered and started recounting what had happened. Including, the memory it had brought back into his mind. Meanwhile, he stared at the bright blue sky out the window. The clouds outside floated by, and he smiled softly at them. 

“...I’m sorry Karkles. It was just really bad timing for me too.” 

Karkat turned back to look at Dave. His bright red eyes were breathtaking. Walking the line somewhere in between beautiful and creepy. He felt goosebumps form on his arms. 

“Why?”

He saw Dave hesitate, as though unsure whether it was safe to tell him or not. Like he was walking on thin ice and had just heard it crack. He opened his mouth, closed it again. Then, “Doesn’t really matter anymore.” 

Karkat decided not to press on.

“So, how long will you have to stay here?” 

“I don’t really know, I guess a week or two. Maybe three. It just…” He flinched, as though admitting it physically pained him. “It hurts so fucking much, Karkles. The bullet, it hit and destroyed my collarbone. I can’t even move my arm. I’m useless.” 

“You’re not useless," he whispered, looking into his eyes. Finally, Dave looked back. It felt, as though his heart slowed in his chest. The sky darkened, and all he could see was Dave. His throat felt swollen, his tongue lay useless at the bottom of his mouth. Electricity coursed through his body, and he was breathless. Somewhere inside him, an old, dusty fireplace was lit. 

Then Dave looked away again.

“You’re probably bored out of your skull, though. I could bring you stuff. I could lend you a couple of my books, bring your laptop. It seems like Rose hasn’t gotten around to it.” 

“Haven’t asked her, I’ve given her enough trouble already.” Dave picked at his short nails. 

“It’s no trouble for me. What can I bring you?” 

“My laptop and spare headphones would be nice, I miss music.” 

“Laptop, headphones, and books of my choosing. Will you make it past three weeks with that?

Dave groaned softly. “I really don’t want to be here for three more weeks.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll come visit you. I’ll even bring you apple juice and Doritos and all that sort of illegal shit they wouldn’t give you here.” 

He saw Dave smirk and he smiled back at him. 

 

He left when visitor hours were over and went to Dave’s place to get his stuff, including the spare key of his car. The next day, before he went to visit, he stopped at a mall. He walked through it hopelessly until he found what he wanted.

___

“I bought you something.” Karkat handed him a wrapped box, the nice pink little bow sticking out. 

Dave stared at it. “Beautiful design, lovely pattern. The artistic expression in this cube is astonishing. The color scheme is inspiring. Even though the symmetry is a bit off, I would definitely put it in my very expensive art gallery for pompous assholes. It takes my breath away almost as much as your butt does.”

Karkat rolled his eyes, feeling warmth travel to his face. 

“Just open it you little fucker,” he groaned. 

“Actually, I’m a big fucker. Love a good fuck.”

“Oh, my fucking- just open it!” It was miraculous he didn’t scream. 

“I’d love to, really, I would. But it’d be kind of hard to unwrap a gift with a completely useless limb.” 

Karkat sighed and took the box, splitting the paper and the box open. He pulled out a case which Dave immediately perked up at. 

“I know your shades were, like, one of a kind. Gift from your best pal. A fucking movie prop and all that shit.” He shrugged. “I really liked seeing your eyes, but you looked uncomfortable as hell without them, so here.” He pulled out a pair of aviators out of the case. New, clean, no scratch in sight. Smooth and dark black, they were beautiful. 

“You motherfucker. This is an expensive brand Karkat!” 

He shrugged. “No take-backs, fucking dick. And no, you can’t sell them to buy organs in the black market.” 

Dave laughed at that. An awkward snort was followed by unrestrained contagious laughter. It was beautiful to hear him again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for that last cliffhanger, though I'm not really sorry.   
> Thank you so much for everyone who has read this.   
> And thank you SO SO MUCH to everyone who commented on the last chapter, it seriously makes me ridiculously happy. THANK YOU. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. All the positive feedback I've been getting is just. yes. thank you. yes. I tried not to make you guys wait too long, but I hope this was worth the wait.


	14. Talks and Music.

> “You can’t wake up this is not a dream. You’re part of a machine you are not a human being. With your face all made up livin on a screen. Low on self esteem so you run on gasoline.”  [ (x) ](https://youtu.be/zRHNi3QfFlE)

He heard his neck pop when he let his head drop behind him. He was so tired of the hospital. He got along well enough with the nurses, but his doctor was a pain in the ass. He kept telling Dave how lucky he was to have survived and how the surgery had gone amazingly because of his superb talent, how without him Dave would’ve died. Fucking arrogant asshole, Dave never asked him to save him. If it had been up to him he would have stayed there to rot. Now he would owe Rose for the hospital stay. Why had he never gotten insurance? Because he was an idiot, that’s why. 

He was a weak, useless, idiot that couldn’t do anything. A pathetic piece of shit that was left to stew in his own self-loathing. He was just tired. He was so tired of everything. He’d struggled so hard, trying to keep himself okay for so long. It had all gone to shit in less than an hour, in the hands of two guys he would never see again. So there he sat, pitying himself like the pathetic bastard he was. 

He was so pissed at himself for not being able to fight back, it was more of an exhausted anger. He was so done with his own shit. He had screwed up so much in so many ways in the past months he couldn’t even deal with himself. He was the last person he wanted to be with, and the only person he couldn’t get rid of. Unless he wanted to do so permanently. 

The thought rattled inside his head more than once. 

 

____

“We are going to do this right this time.” Karkat plopped down on the chair next to him, propping his feet up on the edge of his bed. 

“Do what right?” Dave didn’t even bother looking up. 

“This moirail shit. The quadrant shit,” he hesitated. “Unless you want to back down out of that, which I completely respect.” 

“I don’t want to back down from that.” 

“Then we are going to do things how we are supposed to.” 

“How are we supposed to do things?” He didn’t even have the energy to speak, his mouth felt heavy and dry. He just wanted to sleep. Some days were better than others, and that day wasn't a good day.

“First, I think we should talk. In most pale romance novels there’s a lot of talking.” 

“We talk.” Dave shrugged. 

“Not like we are supposed to!”

“How are we supposed to?” He sighed loud enough for Karkat to hear him. He wanted to exasperate him, make him give up on him. At least for the day. 

“About our feelings and dreams and all of that sort of shit!” Dave could tell Karkat was starting to get irritated with him. 

“I feel like fine. I dreamt I ate a cotton candy house,” he lied. He’d had another nightmare, not that he wanted Karkat to find out about it. 

“Dave fucking Strider! Fucking damn it what the fuck is wrong with you?” he muttered, his anger visible in all its shades. “Fine. Fine.” He took a deep, calming breath. “I’ll start.” He crossed his arms over his chest protectively. 

“You know, I’m really scared you’ll end up hating me somehow. That you already do. That this friendship is just a long-winded joke for you. Or, maybe even worse, that you just want to be my friend because you feel sorry for me. Pity sucks, you know?” Dave nodded. “I hate it. When people feel sorry for me, I hate it. I hate it, I hate it SO MUCH! Maybe because I’ve felt sorry for myself for so long. Because I hate myself for doing it. I honestly don’t know.”

“Thank you for your candor,” Dave said after a moment of silence, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. 

Karkat went on, undeterred. “Have you ever felt like no one would miss you if you died? Like, every action you’ve had in this world wasn’t worth a damn thing, and it would be better off without you.” The arms that were crossed over his chest turned into a self-embrace. Dave felt himself stiffen, his guard going up against his will. “Like all you do is cause others pain or nuisance, and no one will ever love you, platonically or otherwise? The worst part about that is that if no one loves me, I will never in my life be loved. Because I have never managed to love myself. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve heard so many people say you can’t love someone else until you’ve loved yourself. Maybe I’ll never be loved because I can’t love myself.” Dave noticed in his voice when Karkat forgot he was not alone and someone else was listening to him. 

“Karkat, stop, you don’t have to do this,” Dave pleaded. 

He flinched when he heard him. “Well? Have you?”

Dave clenched the hand of his good arm, looking away from him. He considered ignoring him or lying, but there was no point in either. “Yeah, guess I have.” 

He didn’t see Karkat’s small smile. “Maybe we all have.” 

“You will, by the way.” 

“Will what?” 

“Be missed. If you’re gone.” Dave swallowed back, feeling helplessly uncomfortable. 

“Oh.” 

They were both quiet for a long while after that. The silence was heavy, it weighed on their shoulders and hearts. Neither of them had the courage to say anything else until Karkat announced he should be leaving. Dave agreed with a nod and he followed him with his eyes as he left the room. 

 

He came back the next day, looking just as awkward as he had when he left the day before. Dave said nothing. 

“You know what fucking sucks?” Karkat huffed. 

“What?”   
“You, being all quiet. What the fuck is up with that?” 

Dave shrugged, turning to look at the window. The leaves of the trees outside were swaying in the wind. It was a very beautiful day, but it felt at odds with what was inside him. The sky was bright blue, a few puffy white clouds passed overhead. The trees were bright green, everything about the scenery screamed,  _ ‘You should be happy and grateful for what you have!’ _ He didn’t want a beautiful day, he wanted a storm. A tornado. He wanted snow, cold, and darkness. 

“Dave.” Karkat sighed. “I’m really worried about you.” 

Yes. He was. Dave could hear it in his voice. He could see it in his movements. He could feel it in his presence. Everything about Karkat, whenever he came to visit, told him about how worried he was. The deep, dark circles under his eyes had grown larger, his nails were chewed to the nub. It bothered him he had such a powerful effect over Karkat. He never wanted to have that emotional hold on anyone, but at the same time, it was nice. To know that someone cared enough to worry about him. 

“I know.”

“Then let me help,” he pleaded. 

“How?” 

“I… I don’t know.” 

Dave looked at Karkat. With an irrational spike of confidence, he spoke up. “Hold my hand again.” The words were out of his mouth before he even had a chance to think twice of them. 

Karkat didn’t hesitate. He didn’t give Dave a chance to back down or freak out. He took his good hand in his, lacing their fingers together. As though it was normal for them. As if they were both used to physical touch that way. As if they weren't both usually terrified of other people touching them. A bubbling, nervous warmth spread from the pit of his stomach through his whole body. The kind of warmth that made him understand the blue sky. 

“Whatever I can do for you, just tell me. That’s what moirails are for.” 

Dave felt himself smile. 

Karkat continued to rant about work. How a human woman had decided it was a good idea to dump all the packs of sugar in one cup, just for the heck of it. How a troll kid kept kicking him in the shin. Other things that happened that made him rant with a passionate hatred. He didn’t let go of his hand, didn’t make a big deal out of it either. 

____

“Do you think I’ll be able to? Become a writer?” Karkat laid on the bed next to his, occasionally glancing at the door and making sure no doctor or nurse came in to scold him. He had his head propped up with the gigantic hospital pillows, his hands held over his chest. 

“Of course, Karkles.” He liked it best when Karkat spoke of himself and he was able to listen. He didn’t like when Karkat tried to force him to talk about himself, and he didn’t want to be alone with his head.

“You’re not just saying it because you’re my moirail?” Karkat asked. 

“Of course, I am, you’ve never let me read anything you’ve written. How am I supposed to say sincerely that I believe you’re good at it if I have no idea?” Dave turned to look at him, accentuating the obvious with a shrug. 

“You fucking bastard, fine. Do you want to read something I’ve written? Are you sure?” 

“Yes! Stop making me ask! I am bored out of my mind here most of the time anyways, it can’t be worse than the golf channel on TV. Which, by the way, is for some reason the only channel my TV gets. What kind of TV only gets the golf channel? What kind of fucked up torture or social experiment would that make? 'Really cool guy died in a hospital room of severe boredom. Culprits of golf-only TV are yet to be found'.” 

Karkat pulled out his phone. After a couple of minutes, he threw it at Dave. “There, read that and shut up,” he added as he did. 

 

Dave read a few short stories and was convinced. Karkat was talented. Sure, they were all romances, but the talent was undeniable. The work he’d put into each word was present. Over all, they were good stories. Karkat had a future. A bright one, if he really tried hard. Unlike him. He didn't get jealous of his friend, though. He was happy for him. 

“I, honestly and without a doubt, think you are great. I know you'll be able to do it,” Dave smiled at him, it made him happy to be able to cheer him on. 

____

Dave had read all the books Karkat had brought. He had listened to all his music. He had played most of his games on his computer. He had nothing to distract himself with anymore, and he was bored out of his mind. Karkat came by every day, but he only stayed one or two hours in the afternoon. Rose came by whenever she could, but she was often busy. So he was left with his own self-deprecating thoughts and an occasional chat with a nurse. He still had four days to go. 

His favorite nurse had tan skin and a thick accent and the most wonderful humor ever. He talked with her whenever he could, but that wasn’t very often either. After hours of boredom, he pulled up his computer and began typing. He didn’t really think much of it, he just let his mind and his fingers flow. When he felt like he was done, he read what he had written. 

 

_ my name is dave strider. what does that mean? the concept of who i am supposed to be has been twisted in my head so many times that i have no idea who i am anymore. i tried so hard to be like him, i dont know who i am anymore. i try so hard to forget him, forget what made me, forget all my past, cut it out of my life, i dont know who i am anymore. i am alone. i am alone and it fucking sucks because i know i deserve it. i am afraid of looking into mirrors because all i see is him looming over me. i know hes not there anymore. i know its all in my head and i have to let go, but i cant. its so hard to forget everything that made me. who would i be without it? what would have been of me without him? i am so fucking sick and tired of being afraid. of feeling like someone is standing behind me, watching my every move, waiting for me to slip up. to show some kind of weakness. to fall, so he can step on me and crush me. why didn’t he just kill me? that wouldve been more merciful. his lessons are embedded in my bones and my skin. every punch, every slap, every slash, every drop of sweat, every aching muscle, every nightmare, every fear, everything he gave to me is what is inside me that i cant let go of. i still feel nothing. why cant i let go of it if i know all its doing is hurting me? who am i? why cant i remake myself? why cant i let myself feel? why am i still under his thumb? _

_ i remember what he said to me. i remember how i felt. i remember being the way i am now. pathetic, miserable, helpless, hopeless, alone, broken, tired, weak… maybe that’s why this has been so hard on me. _

 

He felt his face heat in shame when he read his own words on the screen. All he wanted to do was delete the text, never see it or think about it again. Something inside him stopped him. He took the computer, closed the screen with a soft slam, set it down on Karkat’s chair. He took a napkin from the table next to him, took a pen he’d had next to the computer. He scribbled a note on it. 

_ you wanted to know how i felt? here it is. the raw, uncut, unrevised version of my disgusting emotions. are you sure you still want to do this?  _

Before he let himself regret what he’d done, he laid back down and closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep. The medicine coursing through his veins made it easy. 

 

When he woke, he turned around expecting to see the computer and the note still there. Instead, he found Karkat asleep on the chair. The laptop was at his feet but the drool dripping from the corner of his mouth was more interesting. He stared at him for a few seconds, wondering what the fuck he was still doing there. Why he hadn't fled from Dave yet. Any sane person would. 

He didn’t try waking him up. Instead, he picked up the computer by the troll’s feet and opened it. 

He opened a playlist site and clicked on the first one he saw. He needed a soundtrack that wasn’t the sound of his own thoughts. All he wanted was white noise to drown out the silence weighing him down.

He listened to the music play, still feeling like a child. 

Then it happened. A  [ song ](https://youtu.be/e8KvK5yle7o) started playing, he didn’t know the name of it, he’d never heard it before. The melody was slow and sweet. Even so, he felt his chest wrench and heave like a broken machine. He felt his hands shake, his limbs went cold and numb. He felt a knot grow tight in his throat, and he felt wetness roll down his cheeks. 

_ “ _ _ You begged and begged for some kind of change: _

_ Maybe they'd wake up tomorrow and regret the pain _

_ That they've passed down to you like DNA, _

_ But no luck, no luck.” _

He felt a wrecked sob break his body. It hurt, it hurt so bad. He covered his whole face with his hands, hiding. As if that would keep his facade in place, as though no one could hear him, as though he was still strong. 

“ _ … maybe distance is the only cure? _

_ Far away from hurt is where healing occurs. _

_ But all you really want to do is make them proud, _

_ Don't you? don't you? _

_ It must be so hard, in the mess you're always cleaning up, _

_ To believe in the ghost of unbroken love. _

_ But I promise you, _

_ The truth is that you're loved. so loved. _

_ You're loved. so loved.” _

Sobs coursed through his body. He had never cried that way, not even as a child. He wasn’t a Strider anymore. He was just, Dave. He was broken, messed up Dave. He just wanted to be loved, and it hurt so bad. 

“You are, you know?” He heard the deep, raspy voice say. “You’re loved.” Another broken sob left his body, he felt soft uncalloused hands caress his arms. Thin, warm arms wrapped around his head, and with unbearable gentleness his head was cradled into Karkat's chest. 

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so fucked up." He heard his own voice distantly, choked in desperate sobs. 

"You're loved." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed this!  
> Thank you to everyone who leaves comments/kudos/feedback they really keep me (and probably every ao3 author) really motivated!


	15. Kisses and healing.

> _“Show me where my armor ends, show me where my skin begins. Like a final puzzle piece, it all makes perfect sense to me. The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity.”[(x)](https://youtu.be/9KKnwu8neYY)_

Karkat held Dave’s head while he sobbed into his chest. He caressed his thin, soft, blonde hair. He brushed it back with his hand, feeling the warmth of Dave in every inch of his body. Dave was sobbing, and Karkat was smiling. Not too widely, he wasn’t that much of a cynic. He was smiling, though. When he felt the spasming in Dave’s body calm down and he felt him pull away he slowly let go of him, letting his hands stay on his shoulders. He took Dave’s fogged up shades off his face and wiped his cheeks with his thumbs. He took the case for the glasses from the nightstand next to him and pulled out a small, soft cloth, which with he cleaned the shades.

Dave stared at him his mouth gaping open, just like his heart. Karkat could see in his eyes how much pain he felt. How alone he felt. And… he couldn’t stop himself. He couldn’t help himself as he caressed Dave’s cheek, and leaned in slowly, looking into his eyes directly as though asking for permission. Dave’s eyes grew wide and his pupils blown, he licked his lips and closed his mouth. His cheeks turned red and he nodded, barely moving as he did. Karkat wouldn’t have known if he hadn’t been holding his cheeks gently. He pushed forward taking a short, shallow breath before their lips met. It was probably the sweetest, most innocent kiss both of them had ever had in their lives. Dave’s hands remained clutched on the sheets, while Karkat caressed Dave’s cheek softly. They pulled apart with small, nervous laughs and smiles.

When Karkat left the hospital soon after his whole body was bubbling with happiness, he was incredibly joyful. He felt like a bomb of elation had exploded within him and he was left with only that. That was all he was. He was floating around, happier than he remembered ever being, without a care in the world.

____

The day Dave was let out of the hospital it was raining. Karkat drove Dave’s car to his house and they both kept glancing at each other. Karkat didn’t have a clue what he could say, he felt like if he opened his mouth he would ruin everything but at the same time, he didn’t want to stay silent. He gripped the steering wheel with all his strength and willed his mouth to open and produce sounds.

“I-” he started.

“What the _fuck_ was it  and can we please do it again,” Dave blurted at the same time.

They both burst into nervous laughter, which turned into a loud, unrestrained joyful one. They kept grinning at each other, Karkat felt his heart pound inside him.

 

When they finally got to Dave’s apartment, Karkat parked the car and went up with Dave to his place. He held his hand on the way up, as though they’d done it a thousand times before. But it felt like the first time they’d touched. As though he’d been shocked. Electricity coursing from their hands to their synchronized pounding hearts.

“My place is going to be such a fucking mess.” Dave groaned, pushing the door open.

“I can help you clean if you want me to.”

 

When it was time for Karkat to go back home, he smiled shyly at Dave. He leaned in and kissed Dave’s cheek, opening the door for himself and heading out. Dave caught his wrist before he could exit the room and pulled him back, kissing his lips directly. This time, their kiss was deeper, but it was still barely more than a peck. Even so, it left both of them grinning like love-stricken idiots, because that’s what they were. Karkat cursed himself as he realized this, but his grin didn’t waver.

____

They went back to their routine, only, it had changed slightly. When Dave picked Karkat up from work, they kissed. When he dropped him off at the therapist, instead of staying outside and waiting for him, he went in with his own therapist. After they headed back to Dave’s place to make dinner and ate, they talked and kissed on the couch. They would hold one another for hours at a time. Dave slowly began gathering his swords and selling them, he wouldn't need them anymore. Karkat started spending more and more time in Dave’s apartment. Sometimes Karkat wouldn’t even talk to him, he just worked on his writing there because he felt safe. Dave felt safe too. They felt safe together, and it was one of the most important aspects of Dave and Karkat’s new life.

“Maybe you should move in here. You know, just for shits and giggles. It will be the best prank ever, Karkles.” Dave said one day, while he was channel surfing and Karkat laid his head on Dave’s lap, his computer on his own.

“How the fuck is moving in together a prank?”

“Well, it’s ironic, you see…”

“You’re not even trying!” Karkat huffed a laugh.

“It’s not a big deal okay, I just want you to know it’s not a big deal and you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to!”

“Well, I already spend most of my time here.” Karkat shrugged. “It would also be great for saving money, we could split the rent.”

Dave smiled and ruffled his hair, pushing the soft curls to his forehead.

“CUT THAT OUT YOU LITTLE PIECE OF UNIRONIC SHIT!” Karkat pushed his hands off of him, smiling.

“If you rap with me, Karkitten,” Dave said as he continued to play with his hair.

“Oh fuck no, I’m not doing it. I refuse. You can’t fucking make me.”

 

They left the subject unresolved but, slowly, Karkat’s things started making their way into Dave’s apartment. He started spending some nights there too, in Dave’s bed, being held by him or holding him while they slept. They both slept better than they ever had before.

____

There were days that weren’t so good, though. Even more so in the beginning, after they got back from the hospital. There were days Karkat went to Dave’s house after therapy, because he hadn’t picked him up and Dave had skipped his session, to find him curled under the sheets. Karkat would lay down in bed with him and hold him because he knew Dave hadn’t been able to find the strength, courage, willpower, or whatever was gone inside him to get up and face the world.

There were days when showering was an accomplishment, and Karkat did his best to help him. He gave him space when Dave needed it, he stayed close when Dave couldn’t be alone.

Those days started close together but came to be more sparse as they spent time together and went to their respective therapists.

Dave’s healing was finally legitimate, and it wasn’t just him shoving the shit under the carpet. Karkat could tell it was hard for him. He could tell dealing with emotions wasn’t really natural for him, but he was trying his best.

Dave spent more time playing with his guitar and writing down songs. He wouldn’t let Karkat read them, but they were still a work in progress. The songs and their relationship, of course.

____

It was one of his bad days. Dave hadn’t gotten out of bed. It was a bad day for Karkat too, he hadn’t eaten much at all. Dave suddenly got up and out of bed, rubbing his face. He stretched his body, his jaw was tightly set. Karkat sat up, yawning.

“What’s wrong?” He wrapped his arms around himself.

“I won’t go down like this. I refuse to. I refuse to give up on myself like this again. That’s not who I am. I am not just a _Strider,_ but I’m also not just _Dave._ I won’t let him win. Not like this. I won’t let him stay in my head. I refuse to live dragging myself around like a puppet of his.” He held his hand out and Karkat took it, standing up with him. Dave smiled, his exhaustion was still visible in his eyes  but he looked even more determined.

“Come on.”

 

Dave showered, shaved, cleaned his glasses, and put on black jeans and a red button-up shirt. Karkat showered, fixed his hair, polished his horns, and wore his gray jeans and a black sweater.

“Where are we going? I don’t want to be underdressed,” Karkat gruffed.

“You won’t be, trust me.” He took a blanket directly from his bed and took his hand. Instead of going down the stairs, they went up. Dave set down the blanket on the roof of his building.

“I thought we were going out, why are you all dressed up?”

“Because I want to be, Karkles. Because it means something to me. Lay down with me.”

He laid down on the hard concrete, staring up at the darkening cloudless sky. He rested his head on one of his arms and extended his other one so  Karkat would lay his head on his chest. Karkat gingerly fit himself into Dave’s body, staring up at the sky.

"What does it mean to you?"

"It means I am living, and I am doing it for myself. Because I will do this somehow."

“What are we doing here Strider?” Karkat sighed.

“We are watching the stars.”

“We live in the city, there won’t be any stars.”

“You’d be surprised.”

“Okay, but _why_?”

“Because we are small, insignificant creatures in the whole plan of the universe. Because we take a gigantic part of the mechanism of the universe. Because we are alive. Because the sky is beautiful. Because you are beautiful. Because, why the fuck not?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter. Thank you so much to everyone who has read this. Thank you for letting me be a small part in your gigantic lives. Thank you to everyone who commented. Thank you for being a huge part in my small life. I don’t know if I love this work. It’s the first thing I’ve ever finished (other than a few very short stories). I don’t know if I’ll write another fic, or I'll publish some original work. I just want to thank you all. 
> 
> I'm not sure how I feel about this. If I am proud of myself for writing it or not. I constantly doubted myself while writing this, because I knew I could do better. The plan I began with was completely left aside. A lot of comments have said that what I am doing is good, really good. I hope so. I hope I didn't let you down with this. Thank you, so much. 
> 
> In case any of you want to talk to me/ask a question/be my friend or whatever, my Tumblr is firewingedalchemist.


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